Computer Jokes

Chain Letter Type IV

Chain Letter Type IVAs if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of yourfriends. Friends- A friend is someone who is always at your side, – A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog, – A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, – A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, – A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life, – A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, – Afriend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady, Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room inyour sleep!! There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chainletters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, butotherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don'tcare. Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter,...

The Y-Zero-K Problem

The Y- Zero- K Problem Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was working out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind…. As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass will flow upwards. We have heard that there are...

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to…

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to findout whether computer is male or female: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as " HE" because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as " SHE" because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

If IBM made toasters…

If IBM made toasters…They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to besubmitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwidemarket for five, maybe six toasters.

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95…

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop, 'he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on yourold, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with aminimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95. 'But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'Godwill provide the RAM, my son'.

If Microsoft made toasters…

If Microsoft made toasters…Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buya toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'dstill have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), drawenough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of thespace in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toasterthat let's you control how light or dark you want your toastto be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances tofind out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good breadonly works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters…

If Apple made toasters…It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 yearsearlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you whenit popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be alittle picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, thesetoasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools toeven open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but allthe bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted onthe MacToaster.

From Boyfriend to Husband upgrade

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed that thenew program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operatedflawlessly under Boyfriend 5. 0. In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalled manyother valuable programs, such as Romance 9. 9 but installed undesirableprograms such as NFL 5. 0 and NBA 3. 0. Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs andHouseCleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5. 3to fix these problems, but to no avail. – – Desperate* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1. 0is an operating system. Try to enter the command: " C: / I THOUGHT YOU LOVEDME" and install Tears 6. 2. Husband 1. 0 should then automatically run theapplications: Guilty 3. 0 and Flowers 7. 0. But remember, overuse can causeHusband 1. 0 to default to GrumpySilence 2. 5, HappyHour 7. 0 or Beer 6. 1. Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will create " Snoring Loudly" wavefiles. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1. 0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are...

The Irish Virus

An actual mailing: Greetings, You have just received the " IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.

If Cray made toasters…

If Cray made toasters…They would cost $ 16 million but would be faster thanany other single- slice toaster in the world, at leastfor a couple of years.

Thank you for the emails

THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca- Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40- gallon drum. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease. I smell like a homeless f* @ k, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me. I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover. I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers thatare bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell theirwares. I also stopped drinking anything out of a can – you said that I wouldget sick from the rat faeces and urine. When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody...

If Wang made toasters…

If Wang made toasters…Marketing would never agree upon what customers really wantor need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spentin development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whosetoaster ran on NT but would find that they got more ordersfor the original.

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme!

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e- mail to 9 of your mates…INSTRUCTIONSAnaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forgetsome ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top ofyour list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823, 542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: * 0. 5 Miss Worlds, * 2. 5 supermodels, * 463 wild nymphos, * 3, 234 good- looking nymphos, * 20, 198 who enjoy multiple orgasms, * and 40, 198 bi- sexual women. In total, that is 64, 294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, andtastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, youroriginal package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!! One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of hisfriends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he senther off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorialexpression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with sincehe sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (towhom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke...

There are four basic types of chain letters: I

There are four basic types of chain letters: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chain Letter Type IHello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starvinglittle boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for everytime you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving LeglessArmless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if youaccidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a madgoat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type lI

Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down)Really, go on and make one wish!!! Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not * that* either, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certainnumber of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat andthen thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes. Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them astupid chain letter. Send this to 2- 5 people: 2- 5 people will be upset with you for sending thema stupid chain letter. 5- 10 people: 5- 10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupidchain letter. 10- 20 people: 10- 20 people will be upset with at you for sending them astupid chain letter. 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people: 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people will be upset with youfor sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type III

Chain Letter Type IIIHi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This isabsolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not asmany little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Passthis on to 15, 067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible willhappen to you like: Queer Horror Story # 1Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recentlyreceived this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in theside walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood ofpoop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! Queer Horror Story # 2Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, somepeople swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They bothdied and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were bothcursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen ToYou!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letterto all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok. Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on andthen he married...

imigration test

You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America? Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence. So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: " When the phone goes 'GREEN GREEN GREEN'I PINK it up and say 'YELLOW? '"

The Technologically Challenged

The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there'sstill hope: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command " Press Any Key" to " Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the " Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5- 1/4" ) diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered...

Befuddled PC Users…

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and no Question Seems to be Too Basic From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994. Reprinted without permission AUSTIN, Texas – The exasperated help- line caller said she couldn't gether new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked thewoman what happened when she pushed the power button. " I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens, " thewoman replied. " Foot pedal? " the technician asked. " Yes, " the womansaid, " this little white foot pedal with the on switch. " The " footpedal, " it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand- operated devicethat helps to control the computer's operations. [boring stuff deleted] Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techiesneeding help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homesexploding as new " multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers saythat as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partlybecause of the volume of calls, some computer companies have startedcharging help- line users. [boring stuff deleted] John Wolf: " A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Conturawould not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something tohappen. When...

A talking Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, " If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. " He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week. " The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want. " Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, " What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me? " The man said, " Look, I'm a...

Computer Dictionary Part I

BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in " Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit. " BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill. BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list. CHIPS – The fattening, non- nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals. COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR – What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in " You % @ & computer! " DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip. DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer. ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom " just to look. " EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals. FILE – What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half...

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail

Girlfriend Tech Support E- mail I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've beenhaving some problems lately. I've been running the same version ofDrinkingBuddies 1. 0 forever as my primary application, and all theGirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hearthat DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background modeand the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't findthe switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and itworks okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co- existing with my Fishing 97program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timingincompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1. 0, butI thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2. 0. Aftermonths of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has hadexperience with GirlFriend 2. 0. He said I probably didn't have enoughcache to run GirlFriend 2. 0, and eventually it would require a TokenRing to run properly. He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, ituninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3. 0 beta. All the bugs weresupposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virusanyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. Ivery cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4. 0. This time I used a...

Definition of Programmer

Definition of ProgrammerProgrammer: A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.

Acronyms

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry AcronymsISDN It Still Does NothingAPPLE Arrogance Produces Profit- Losing EntitySCSI System Can't See ItDOS Defunct Operating SystemBASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry ControlIBM I Blame MicrosoftDEC Do Expect CutsCD- ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in MonthsOS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide WaitMACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore crash

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne. God addresses Al first. " Al, what do you believe in? " Al replies, " Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die. " God thinks for a second and says, " Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left. " God then addresses Bill Clinton. " Bill, what do you believe in? " Bill Clinton replies, " Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling. " God thinks for a second and says, " Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right. " God then addresses Bill Gates. " Bill Gates, what do you believe in? " Bill Gates said, " I believe you're in my chair. "

Pest-by-Modem

Pest- by- Modem Here's how to be a pest- by- modem: * Make up fake acronyms. On- line veterans like to use abbreviations likeIMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to showthat they're " hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand foranything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse toexplain what they stand for (" You don't know? RTFM" ). * WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SOTHAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSOUSE A LOT OF!!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUTBEING HERE!!!!!!! * When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling andpoint out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content oftheir messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism, " do it again. Continue until they go away. * Software and files offered on- line are often " compressed" so that itwon't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compressionprogram and compress everything you send, including one- word E- mailresponses like " Thanks. " * Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give themnames like " SexyHouseWives, " then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come- on. Takebets and calculate odds on the results...