Computer Jokes

What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer? A fuckin know- it- all!

Q: Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated? A: He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to workwith UNIX.

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to findout whether computer is male or female: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as " HE" because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as " SHE" because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriterswill eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks tothe internet, we know this is not true.

If IBM made toasters…They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to besubmitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwidemarket for five, maybe six toasters.

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop, 'he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on yourold, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with aminimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95. 'But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'Godwill provide the RAM, my son'.

If Microsoft made toasters…Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buya toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'dstill have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), drawenough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of thespace in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toasterthat let's you control how light or dark you want your toastto be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances tofind out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good breadonly works with their toasters.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e- mail? A: Rename the mail folder to " instruction manuals

If Apple made toasters…It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 yearsearlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you whenit popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be alittle picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, thesetoasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools toeven open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but allthe bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted onthe MacToaster.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a computer? A: A computer that never goes down on you.

Does DEC still make toasters…? They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed that thenew program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operatedflawlessly under Boyfriend 5. 0. In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalled manyother valuable programs, such as Romance 9. 9 but installed undesirableprograms such as NFL 5. 0 and NBA 3. 0. Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs andHouseCleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5. 3to fix these problems, but to no avail. – – Desperate* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1. 0is an operating system. Try to enter the command: " C: / I THOUGHT YOU LOVEDME" and install Tears 6. 2. Husband 1. 0 should then automatically run theapplications: Guilty 3. 0 and Flowers 7. 0. But remember, overuse can causeHusband 1. 0 to default to GrumpySilence 2. 5, HappyHour 7. 0 or Beer 6. 1. Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will create " Snoring Loudly" wavefiles. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1. 0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are...

If Hewlett- Packard made toasters…They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

An actual mailing: Greetings, You have just received the " IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.

If Cray made toasters…They would cost $ 16 million but would be faster thanany other single- slice toaster in the world, at leastfor a couple of years.

THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca- Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40- gallon drum. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease. I smell like a homeless f* @ k, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me. I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover. I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers thatare bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell theirwares. I also stopped drinking anything out of a can – you said that I wouldget sick from the rat faeces and urine. When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody...

If Wang made toasters…Marketing would never agree upon what customers really wantor need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spentin development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whosetoaster ran on NT but would find that they got more ordersfor the original.

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e- mail to 9 of your mates…INSTRUCTIONSAnaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forgetsome ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top ofyour list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823, 542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: * 0. 5 Miss Worlds, * 2. 5 supermodels, * 463 wild nymphos, * 3, 234 good- looking nymphos, * 20, 198 who enjoy multiple orgasms, * and 40, 198 bi- sexual women. In total, that is 64, 294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, andtastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, youroriginal package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!! One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of hisfriends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he senther off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorialexpression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with sincehe sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (towhom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke...

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer- dating center andregistered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyedwater sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and wasvery small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him apenguin.

There are four basic types of chain letters: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chain Letter Type IHello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starvinglittle boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for everytime you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving LeglessArmless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if youaccidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a madgoat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down)Really, go on and make one wish!!! Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not * that* either, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certainnumber of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat andthen thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes. Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them astupid chain letter. Send this to 2- 5 people: 2- 5 people will be upset with you for sending thema stupid chain letter. 5- 10 people: 5- 10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupidchain letter. 10- 20 people: 10- 20 people will be upset with at you for sending them astupid chain letter. 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people: 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people will be upset with youfor sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type IIIHi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This isabsolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not asmany little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Passthis on to 15, 067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible willhappen to you like: Queer Horror Story # 1Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recentlyreceived this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in theside walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood ofpoop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! Queer Horror Story # 2Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, somepeople swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They bothdied and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were bothcursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen ToYou!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letterto all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok. Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on andthen he married...

Chain Letter Type IVAs if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of yourfriends. Friends- A friend is someone who is always at your side, – A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog, – A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, – A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, – A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life, – A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, – Afriend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady, Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room inyour sleep!! There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chainletters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, butotherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don'tcare. Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter,...

The Y- Zero- K Problem Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was working out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind…. As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass will flow upwards. We have heard that there are...

I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting a baby in June. I'm betting the baby will be late.

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State- of- the- art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state- of- the- art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago. 'Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, " Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object. " Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Diary of an AOL User July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am? July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused. July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online. July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet theydidn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of amodem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electricalmalfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said " WHERE AM I"? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a building window. The sign said, " YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co- pilot asked the pilot how the " YOU AREIN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, " I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer".

If you messed up your life, you could press " Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on " run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit " any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. " Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on " SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

The Numbers of the Beast OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 660 – Approximate number of the BeastDCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast666. 0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast0. 666 – Number of the Millibeast/ 666 – Beast Common Denominator666 ^ (- 1) – Imaginary number of the Beast1010011010 – Binary of the Beast6, uh… what was that number again? – Number of the Blonde Beast1- 666 – Area code of the Beast00666 – Zip code of the Beast1- 900- 666- 0666: – Live Beasts! One- on- one pacts! Call Now! Only $ 6. 66/minute. Over 18 only please. $ 665. 95 – Retail price of the Beast$ 699. 25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax$ 769. 95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul$ 656. 66 – Walmart price of the Beast$ 646. 66 – Next week's Walmart price of the BeastPhillips 666 – Gasoline of the BeastRoute 666 – Way of the Beast666 F – Oven temperature for roast Beast666k – Retirement plan of the Beast666 mg – Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast6. 66 % – 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $ 666 minimum deposit. Lotus 6- 6- 6 – Spreadsheet of the BeastWord 6. 66 – Word Processor of the Beasti66686...

USENET ParodyNo no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to changea lightbulb? A1. Define " change" A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out? A3. Don't use the word " posters" to describe us, it's offensive tolarge sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls. A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take itelsewhere. A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt. fan. lightbulbs. A6. Well, that's because you're a twit. A7. Who are you calling a " twit"? Besides, you spelled " twit" wrong. A8. Oh? And how exactly do * you* spell " twit", twit? A9. Could you two take this to e- mail? Doesn't anyone want to talkabout lightbulb fans instead of flaming? A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net. cop? A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt. flame or e- mail or something. A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what topost or not post. A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou, Libertarian Party Candidate for President? A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits. A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt. fan. lightbulb???? A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff! A17. What " stuff" pray tell? A18. Yikes! It's dark in here! A19. Define " dark". A20. I mean the...

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer: – 10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL. 9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse. 8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family. 7) Your computer is your ONLY friend. 6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex. 5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL). 4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers. 3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM. 2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3. 1 is outdated. 1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

Less- Known Computer Languages Basic- Fortran- Cobol… Theseprogramming languages are wellknown and (more or less) wellloved throughout the computerindustry. There are numerous otherlanguages however that are lesswell known yet still have ardentdevotees. In fact these little- known languages generallyhave the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know moreabout these obscure languages – and why they are obscure – Ipresent the following catalog. SIMPLE… SIMPLE is an acronymfor Sheer Idiot's Mono PurposeProgramming LingusiticEnvironment. This language developed at theHanover College for TechnologicalMisfits was designed to make itimpossible to write code witherrors in it. The statements aretherefore confined to BEGIN- END- and STOP. No matter how youarrange the statements you can'tmake a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE donothing useful. Thus they achievethe results of programs writtenin other languages without thetedious frustrating process oftesting and debugging. SLOBOL… SLOBOL is best knownfor the speed or lack of it ofits compiler. Although manycompilers allow you to take acoffee break while they compileSLOBOL compilers allow you to takea trip to Bolivia to pick up thecoffee. Forty- three programmersare known to have died of boredomsitting at their terminals whilewaiting for a SLOBOL program tocompile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turnto a related (but infinitely faster) language…COCAINE. VALGOL… (With special thanks toDan and Betsy " Moon Unit" Pfau)- From its modest beginnings insouthern California's SanFernando Valley VALGOL is enjoyinga dramatic surge of popularityacross the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY- LIKE –...

Virus AlertThere is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated throughthe email system. If you get an email message with the subject: " VIRUSALERT! " do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scramblesthe second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaiddfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg asdflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adfjdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

Why did a group of Columbians run away from a computer lab. Because the computer said you have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown.