Job/Office Jokes

Evaluating employees

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations: " Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. " " His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. " " I would not allow this employee to breed. " " This associate is really not so much of a has- been, but more of a definitely won't be. " " Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. " " When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. " " He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. " " This young lady has delusions of adequacy. " " He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. " " This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better. " " This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. "

Corporate lingo list

Here& # 146; s a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST- PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you+ – CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don& # 146; t pay enough to expect that you& # 146; ll dress up- well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You& # 146; ll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control. CAREER- MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON: If you& # 146; re old, fat or ugly you& # 146; ll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We& # 146; ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You& # 146; ll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM- SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You& # 146; re walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You& # 146; ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you, figure out what they...

Thoughts from work

Thoughts and stories from on the jobMy boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, " Is this what you get paid for? " I told him, " Nope! I do this for free. " This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read " Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. " I couldn't resist and added a note: " And now you know why too". Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, " Yeah, how does this thing work? " I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, " Any questions? " She said, " Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from? " People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who " rested to death". Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what- so- ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it. Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers...

Workplace insanity

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. " That's a good point, Sparky. " " No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha- cha. " Send e- mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: " If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. " Hi- Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that. Send e- mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co- worker and ask...

Useful work phrases

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK: I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special...

Sleeping on the job

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. " They told me at the blood bank this might happen. " 14. " This is just a 15 minute power- nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. " 13. " Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. " I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! " 11. " This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! " 10. " I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. " Actually I'm doing a " Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. " I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. " 7. " Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. " 6. " The coffee machine is broken…. " 5. " Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot. " 4. " Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off! " 3. " Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! " 2. " I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands. " AND THE # 1 BEST THING TO...

The engineer's terms

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point. ) Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together. ) An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school. ) Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi- tech! ) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything. ) Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. ) Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked! ) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit. ) It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless. ) We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already. ) Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this. ) Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do. ) Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull. ) See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up...

Stock market report

Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: " If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $ 200, 000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $ 6000. " " Now, " he concluded, " which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old. – Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. – Old actors never die, they just drop apart. – Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. – Old architects never die, they just lose their structures. – Old bankers never die, they just lose interest. – Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling. – Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off. – Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures. – Old bosses never die, much as you want them to. – Old cashiers never die, they just check out. – Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. – Old chemists never die, they just fail to react. – Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket. – Old cooks never die, they just get deranged. – Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged. – Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties. – Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience. – Old electricians never die, they just lose contact. – Old farmers never die, they just go to seed. – Old garagemen never die, they just retire. – Old hackers never die, they just go to bits. – Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips. – Old hippies never die, they just smell that...

Work for an operator

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre. Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off. * * * Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: Woven? Are you sure? Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label – Woven in Scotland. * * * Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please. Operator: Where are you calling from? Caller: The living room* * * Caller: The water board please. Operator: Which department? Caller: Tap water. * * * Operator: How are you spelling that? Caller: With letters. * * * Caller: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please. Operator: Do you have his name? Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben. * * * Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please. Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers? * * * On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: " I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

Photographer works

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which `lived'there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost " I mean no harm – I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what's the moral of the story? The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Quotes of companies

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E- mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R& D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp. ) My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25- page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write- protected. (CIO of...

How all careers end

How careers end… Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists'models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are refused. Bodybuilders are rebuffed. Underwear models are debriefed Painters are discolored. Spinsters are dismissed. Judges are disappointed. Vegas dealers are discarded. Mathematicians are discounted. Tree surgeons disembark.

Describe professions

What does your profession say about you? 1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as " marketing without a degree. " You are also self- centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can " concentrate on the big picture. " You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest " ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your " carpal tunnel syndrome. " 5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics....

Letters to a landlord

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlordsThe toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old- age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want...

Changed HR policies

Casual Fridays: Week 1 – Memo No. 1Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 – Memo No. 2Spandex and leather micro- miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 – Memo No. 3Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 – Memo No. 4A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p. m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 – Memo No. 5As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14- member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual- day dress. Week 14 – Memo No. 6The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30- page manual entitled " Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards. " A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter " You Are What You Wear" and consult the " home casual" versus " business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a. m. on Friday. Week 18 – Memo No. 7Our Employee Assistant...

Old local blacksmith

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. " Don't ask me a lot of questions, " he told the boy. " Just do whatever I tell you to do. " One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. " Get the hammer over there, " he said. " When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. " Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Drummer problems

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, " When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer. " A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: " And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor. "

Pick a starting salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, " And what starting salary were you looking for? " The candidate said, " In the neighborhood of $ 125, 000 a year, depending on the benefits package. " The HR Person said, " Well, what would you say to a package of 5- weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette? " The Engineer sat up straight and said, " Wow!!! Are you kidding? " And the HR Person said, " Certainly,…but you started it. "

Pay for your past bills

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice- mail for them saying, " We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, " Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "

Boss wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, " I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself. " And the boss said, " And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour? "

The last day working

" You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When……" You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, " What's this? ", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, " I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled * this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a " sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, " So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday? ". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

Never say it at work

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5: 00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing. 2. If it's really a " rush job, " run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done. 10. Never introduce me to the people...

Mistakes on a resume

These are from actual resumes: " Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. " I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability. " " Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap. " " I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich. " " Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job- hopping'. I have never quit a job. " " Number of dependents: 40. " " Marital Status: Often. Children: Various. " RESUME BLOOPERS " Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. " REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: " Responsibility makes me nervous. " " They insisted that all employees get to work by 8: 45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. " REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: " Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. " " I was working for my mom until she decided to move. " " The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers. " JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: " While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that...

Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINTRun one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning'to you. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say " Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye. " To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE- POINTSBabble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask " Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it. " – Double points if you do this to a manager. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINTSAt the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation,...

Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNELFROM: ACCOUNTING It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of " Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job- code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, AccountingAttached: Extended Job- Code ListCode and Explanation5316 Useless Meeting5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting5319 Waiting for Break5320 Waiting for Lunch5321 Waiting for End of Day5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You5481 Buying Snack5482 Eating Snack5500 Filling Out Timesheet5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries5502 Waiting for Something to Happen5503 Scratching Yourself5504 Sleeping5510 Feeling Bored5511 Feeling Horny5600 Complaining About Lousy Job5601 Complaining About Low Pay5602 Complaining About Long Hours5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes # 5322 & # 5323)5604 Complaining About...

Want a day off work?

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Fun with telemarketers

What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT& T, and it went something like this: Me: HelloAT& T: Hello, this is AT& T…. Me: Is this AT& T? AT& T: Yes, this is AT& T…. Me: This is AT& T? AT& T: Yes. This is AT& T…. Me: Is this AT& T? AT& T: YES! This is AT& T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT& T: This is AT& T. Me: OK, hold on. At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting. Me: Hello? AT& T: Is this Mr. Salem? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT& T: Yes, this is AT& T…. Me: Is this AT& T? AT& T: Yes, this is AT& T…. Me: This is AT& T? AT& T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem? Me: Yes, is this AT&...

Have incredible dogs

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named " T- Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named " Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog " Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, " What can your dog do? ". The Teamster called his dog whose name was " Coffee Break" and said, " Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Application rejections

Baxter ConnersVice PresidentCompany 203203 Wall St. New York, NY 10015Dear Mr. Conners, Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely, XXXXXXXX

The resume bloopers

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine: 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6. 0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Its best for employers that I not work with people. 7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments. 13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. 18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. 19. Personal interests: donating...

Unique job interviews

Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long- term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the " most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. " What is it that you people do at this company? " " What is the company motto? " " Why aren't you in a more interesting business? " "...

Have a life after death

" Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. " Yes, Sir. " the new recruit replied. " Well, then, that makes everything just fine, " the boss went on. " After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you

Murphy's work laws

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong. Everything can be filed under " miscellaneous. " Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided...