Ouch

A young girl sees her father in the shower…

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. " Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life, " he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, " Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on? "

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts…

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. " don't worry, ya, " he said. " I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping. " Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public- address system: " Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store. "

Think quality

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip. And, there were still 5 shaves left!

The definition of a phallic symbol

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks " Whats a failic symbol? Doctor says " you're kidding.. " Girl says " no! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol??? " Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says " You see? This is afailic symbol! " Girl says " Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"

It finally dawned

" How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle- aged farmhand as he setthe man's broken leg. " Well, doc, 25 years ago…" " Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. " " Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on thefarm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautifuldaughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. " Are you sure? ", she asked. " I'm sure, I said. " Isn't there anything I can do for you? " she wanted to know. " I reckon not" I replied…" Excuse me, " said the doctor, " What does this story have to do with your leg? " " Well, this morning, " the farmhand explained, " when it dawned on me whatshe meant, I fell off the roof! "

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home…

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, " When did you bag him? " The host said proudly, " That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex- wife. " " What's he stuffed with, " asked the visiting hunter. " My ex- wife" replied the hunter.

This guy walks in to a bathroom…

This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a signthat says " put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". Sothe guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.

Ashamed

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise shipthat sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island. Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamedof what she was doing. Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamedof what they were doing. Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again- – being so ashamedof what they were doing.

Condom Modelling Rejection

Condom Modelling Rejection TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY 6969 Slippery Root Drive Droptrouser, NC 22269Dear John Doe, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro- mini condoms. We send greetings and our deepest sympathy. Yours very truly, Burley Dick, PresidentTROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC. VD/abcP. S. Remember our slogans: Cover your stump before you hump. Don't be silly, protect your Willie. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!

The third wish

A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes. 'The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. * * POOF* * He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. * * POOF* * The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner…'

Little Mermaid

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed? " She replied, " no sir! " So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, " Did you like that? " " Oh, indeed I did, sir! " she replied The second man went out to her and asked, " Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled? " " No sir, " she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, " How did you like that? " She replied, " It was most pleasurable, sir. " The third fellow approached and asked, " Mermaid, have you ever been fucked? " " No sir, " she replied. He said, " Well you have been now- – the tide's gone out! "

The following was contributed by Emil: A…

The following was contributed by Emil: A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman, " cor! I've just had my first blow- job and it was great! – – I'll have alarge whiskey please, barman. " The man takes his whiskey and downs it. " Same again? " asks the barman. " Okay" says the man and downs the second. He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both. In fact in totalhe downs 27 whiskeys. " Do you want another? " asks the barman. " No I don't think so", says the man, " If 27 whiskeys won't take away the tasteI don't think that another one will! "

A little girl was walking along a beach in California…

A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals. The little girl said, " What do you have under that newspaper, Mister? " The man said, " Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away! " The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep. Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain. " Where the hell am I? " A doctor replied, " Someone called 9- 1- 1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over. " " Well, what the hell happened to me? " " We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today? " The man said, " Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep. " The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, " Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier? " " Well, " the little girl said, " I started to play with that nice littlebird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire! "

Paying bills

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a prettygirl asked, " I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost? " " Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. " That's fine, " replied the girl. " I'll take ten yards. " With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little oldman standing beside her. " Grandpa will pay the bill, " she smiled.

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes…

A door- to- door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his newterritory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, andbefore she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow pattiesall over the carpet. He says, " Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up thathorseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it. " She turns to him with a smirk and says, " You want ketchup on that? " He Salesman says, " why do you ask? " She says " We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet. "

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro…

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a$ 100 bet on the side. " But, " said the duffer, " since you're obviouslymuch better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'. " The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha'was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club memberswere amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $ 100. " What happened? " asked one of the members. " Well, " said the pro, " I was teeingup for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his handbetween my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha! 'Have you evertried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'? "

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years…

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. " So, how's life been for you? " Ed asked. " Not too good, " Ted replied. " My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low- flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust. " " Oh dear, that sounds terrible. " Ed said. " What business were you in? " " I sell lucky charms, " said Ted.

Good fortune

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT!

A game of golf

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. " Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough, " replied his friend. " Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours? 'And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver! "

The blind date had not been all that great and…

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said " Hey! You wanna see my underwear? " Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, " Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes?

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven…

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, " You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo. " Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, " St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo? " St. Peter says, " That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel. "

Mirror, mirror

Mirror, mirror A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says " Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust- line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: " Mirror mirror on the door, make my " manhood" touch the floor! ". Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar…

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord? " she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. " Actually, no" he replies. " Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him? " she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. " I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman – clearly aroused. " Is there anything I can do? " " Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. " Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room. "

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis…

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction. " Shit, " said the driver to his passenger. " What kind of bug was that? " " Dunno, " he replied. " But did you see the size of the cock on it?! "

A caring son

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. " Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. " Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. " " That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, " but I don't think Pa would like me to. " " Aw, come on, " the farmer insisted. " Well okay, " the boy finally agreed, and added, " But Pa won't like it. " After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. " I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. " " Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. " By the way, where is he? " " Under the wagon. "

OUCH!

OUCH! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused herto clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar…

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, " Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink? " She said, " Do you like sex? " I said, " Of course I like sex. " She said, " Do you like to travel? " I said, " Yeah, I love to travel. " She said, " Then fuck off. "

A big bird

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below. He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him. When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says " What kinda bird you reckon that was? " The other hunter replies " I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it. " How's that? " " You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club…

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht- club. " Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'? " " No thanks, " she said sweetly. " I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft'warning. "

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt…

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said " I tookthe liberty of milking your cow this morning! " He then continues and says " it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly. " The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow…We have a bull! "

Changed my mind!

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romanticwalk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll hislustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, " I hope you don'tmind but I'm busting to have a piss". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, " OK whydon't you go behind these bushes". She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rollingdown her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches througha gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings hishand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror " My God, don't tell me your really a bloke! ". " No" she replies", " I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead. "