Religion

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. " Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. " When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie- talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites. " " Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you? " his mother asked. " Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it. "

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, " So how high can you advance in your organization? " The Priest says " If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop. " " Well, could you get any higher than that? " asks the Rabbi. " I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously. " Is there any way that you might go higher than that? " " If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal" " Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? " probed the Rabbi. Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said " I supose that I could be elected Pope, but…" So the Rabbi says " And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope? " " What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?! " The Rabbi leaned back and said " One of ou r boys made it. "

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. " Hungry, Seymour? " the Lord asked. " I could eat, " said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, " I could eat. " Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, " Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they e at like Kings. I just don't understand. " " To be honest, Seymour, " the Lord said, " for just two people, does it pay to cook? "

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, " I'm drawing God. " The teacher paused and said, " But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, " They will in a minute. "

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. " Quick, quick! " shouts Sister Mary Agnes, " What should we do? " " Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, " says Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini- Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. " What shall I do now? " she shouts. " Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican, " replies Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. " Now what? " shouts Sis ter Mary Agnes. " Show him your cross, " says Sister Mary Vincent. " Now you're talking, " says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, " Get the hell off our car! "

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. " A priest. Somebody get me a priest! " the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd- – – – no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. " A PRIEST, PLEASE! " the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. " Mr. Policeman, " says the man, " I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man. " The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: " Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under th e O, 72… "

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, " Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it? " " I think so, " the man replied. " My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests. " " I don't mean that, " the priest responded. " I mean, are you prepared spiritually? " " Oh, sure, " came the reply. " I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey. "

How do Religious Education teachers mark exams? With spirit levels.

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. " Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read??? " Goldblum shuddered. God went on. " I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong! " Goldblum sighed with relief. " Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur? " Bauman hung his head in shame. " Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my peo ple, but I can accept these indiscretions. " Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, " You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying…. " Closed for the Holiday!!! "

Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness? – He refused becuase he hadn't seen the accident.

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re- appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, " Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse. " " But Father, I have a divine right, " she informs. " Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter * this* church! " he insists.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about " normal" tricks. Well, they said, " let's try this out. " Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounce d the command, " Heel! " Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Examiner: I think you know very little, if anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage? Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself. 'Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another? Student: 'Go thou and do likewise. '

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well- paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: " Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this? " And a great voice w as heard from above: " BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME! "

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. " Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings, " said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat- up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, " Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I g et? " St. Peter looked at the Pope and said " True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here. "

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses " I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days. " and Moses says " Yeah sure. " So Jesus gets up and says " I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one. " So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says " What's the problem? " and Jesus says, " I think its the holes in my feet! "

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: " God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white. " To which the child responded, " Well, then is God Michael Jackson? "

Jill: Have you read the Bible? Jack: No, I'm waiting for the film to come round.

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, " Sorry, no room. The hotel is full. " The Jewish lady said, " But your sign says that you have vacancies. " The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, " You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…" Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, " I'll have you know I converted to your religion. " The desk clerk said, " Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born? " Mrs. Rosenberg replied, " He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem. " " Very good, " replied the hotel clerk. " Tell me more. " Mrs. Rosenberg replied, " He was born in a manger. " " That's right, " said the hotel clerk. " And why was he born in a manger? " Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, " Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night! "

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, " Good morning son. " " Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. " Sir, what is this? " Johnny asked. " Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, " Which one sir, the 8: 30 or the 10: 30? "

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God, 'he prayed, 'I really want a car. 'Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty. 'God, 'he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car. 'Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents'bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet. 'Okay, God, 'he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again…'

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, " Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards? " The priest says, " Because I'm a father. " Johnny says, " Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards. " The priest says " You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children. " Johnny says, " You should wear your trousers backwards. "

What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun rolling down a hill.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, " If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit! " Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had " fallen. " This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, " You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen. " The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, " I don't know what you're l aughing about, your wife fell three times this week. "

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. " I'm blessing it" the priest replied. The rabbi replied " Oh, " then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: " What are doing here with a dog? " Bernie: " The dog came here to pray. " " Oh, come on. " says the Rabbi. " YES! " says Bernie. Rabbi: " I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple. " Bernie: " Its true! ".. " Ok", says the Rabbi, " then show me what the dog can do. " " OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog…The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. " Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school???? " Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, " YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor! "

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with " WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for " What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, " Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $ 17. 95 for one of these caps. "

At what time of day was Adam born? Just before Eve.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end…" And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, " but deliver us some e- mail, Amen. "

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can do something about this…'To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management. '

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. " Mommy, " she said. " Can we leave now? " " No, " her mother replied. " Well, I think I have to throw up! " " Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush. " In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. " Did you throw up? " her mother asked. " Yes, " the little girl replied. " Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly? " " I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. " the little girl replied. " They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'. "

Is there a God? A billion Hindus can't be wrong.

What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar? He raised Cain.