Relationships

No change

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation: " Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love? " Ex-: " Over my dead body! " Husband: " You haven't changed a bit"

What a Woman Really Needs

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the rightthing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor saidthat he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, " thisis what your wife needs, at least once a day! " The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, " Ok, whattime do you want me to bring her back tomorrow? "

A man went to the police station wishing to speak…

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. " You'll get your chance in court, " said the desk sergeant. " No, no, no! " said the man. " I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years! "

Nothing but the truth

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8. 00 p. m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been! " demanded his wife when he entered the house. " Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8. 00 p. m. " The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, " You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!! "

I had it all

A man complaining to a friend: " I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman…then… pow! … it was all gone! " " What happened? " asked the friend. " Ahhhh… my wife found out…"

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks…

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stopsinto a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to theMadam, drops down $ 500 and says, " I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!! " The Madam is astonished. " But sir, for that kind of money youcould have one of my finest ladies and a three- course meal. " The trucker replies, " Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'mhomesick. "

Not this time

There was a middle- aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. " Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! " Then he gave her a stern look and asked, " Have you been fooling around on me? " The wife just smiled sweetly and said, " Not this time"!

Fulfilling a promise

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought hisashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onthe counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, " You know that fur coat you promised me Irving? " She answered by saying, " I bought it with the insurance money! " She then said, " Irving, remember that new car you promised me? " She answered again saying, " Well, I bought it with the insurance money! " Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, " Irving remember thatBlowJob I promised you? Here it comes…"

Gift tombstones

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: " Here lies my wife….. cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: " Here lies my husband….. stiff at last"

A girl runs home to her mother crying…

A girl runs home to her mother crying, " I can't marry Joe! He's an atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! " Don't worry, Honey, " said her mom. " But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell! " Don't worry, Honey, " repeated her mom, " you marry him…and we'll convince him! "

A couple have not been getting along for years…

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, " I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday. " Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn't get her anything. She says, " Why didn't you get me a birthday present!? " He replies, " You didn't use what I got you last year! "

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new…

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. " After all, dear, " she said to her husband, " you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you? " " No, " her husband replied. " Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver. "

Bad news

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! " I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, " but I can't send youoff to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. " With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man'sschlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. " I have something to show you that you won't believe, " he said, and opened up his briefcase. " Oh my God! " she screamed. " Schwatrz is dead! "

Age difference

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68? At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 – You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 – If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

You're not going to believe this!

A woman got a problem with her closet door – it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. " OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: " What the hell are you doing here! " Repairman: " Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus! " Sent by Ser

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake…

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man towhisper, " Darling am I the first man to make love to you? " Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. " Of course you are! " she said. " And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions. "

Old farmer Johnson was dying…

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife, " Maude, when I'm dead and gone… I want you to marry farmer Jones. " " Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you! " Maude replies. " But I want you to, Maude. " " But why? " Maude asks. " Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade! "

Men are like fine wine…

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep themin the dark until they mature into something you'd wantto have dinner with.

Devil herself

A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. " Ooooooo! " she wailed, " I am the Devil! " He sticks out his hand…" Put it there, pal, " he says, " I am married to your sister. "

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling…

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, " See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! " John replies, " Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over hereexcept on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "

Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side…

Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight- watchers meeting. " My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure. " she lamented to the woman next to her. " Well, " the lady replied, " what's wrong with that? " " He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings. "

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park…

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. " What would you like to do next? " he asked. " I wanna be weighed, " shesaid. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. " One- twelve, " said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. " I wanna be weighed, " she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, " What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight? " " Wousy, " said the girl.

Hair on my chest

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. " HA! " he snorted. " The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest! " On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, " There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat! " " That's not your chest! " he roars back. " Damn right it's my chest! " she argued. " Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest…. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT…IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST! "