Relationships

" Daddy? " the kid asked his father. " Where did I come from? " " Ask your mother, " he replied. " I did, " the kid said. " But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket. " " Hmmmm, " chuckled his dad. " That's about the size of it? "

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. " She uses too many four- letter words for me, " was the reply. " Really? " " Yes, " answered the playboy. " Allevening long she was saying " don't" and " stop" and " quit that. "

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. " I demand proper manners in bed, " she declared, " just as I do at the dinner table. " Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. " Is that better? " he asked, with a hint of a smile. " " Yes, " replied the girl, " much better. " " Very good, darling, " the husband whispered. " Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy. "

My wife and I are into S & MShe Sleeps and I masturbateSent by Richard

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: " You are not getting older, You are just getting better. " When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, " Just put 'You are not getting older'at the top, and 'You are just getting better'at the bottom. " It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to servethe cake that he discovered it read: " YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM. "

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – It's the only type of cooking a " real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. (4) The man places the meat on the grill. (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed " her night off. " And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: " Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from? " The father replied: " Well, son, you must havegotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine. "

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: " Come and bury my wife. " " But I buried your wife ten years ago, " replied the undertaker. " I got married again, " the man sobbed. " Oh, " said the undertaker. " Congratulations. "

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. " It is wonderful, " the husband exclaimed. " We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife? " " Yes, you male chauvinist pig, " his wife replied. " Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top! "

Mother- in- law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to takeyour pick? Son- in- law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.

This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. " What the hell is your problem? " the lady asked. " I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy, " the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. " Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying, " she said. " You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper. "

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, whoare the men fooling around with?

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morningto find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. " Out drinking again!? " she says. " How much money did you spend this time? " " $ 100, " answers the man. " $ 100! " she shouts. " That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night! " " Easy for you to say, " he replies. " You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy. "

Six stages of married life: 1: Tri- weekly2: Try weekly3: Try weakly4. Try oysters5: Try anything6: Try to remember

" Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, " the divorce courtjudge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $ 775 a week. " " That's very fair, your honor, " the husband said. " And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, " You'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new positionfor lovemaking. " " Really, " said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. " What is it? " " Back to back. " " But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back. " " Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out. "

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, " I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4- Wheel drive vehicles. " " She did, " he replied. " But where in the hell was I gonna finda fake Jeep? "

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurancecompany…Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money. Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth. Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, " I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell. " " MY dear, " the shrink said, " that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is? " " The problem is, " she complained, " It wakes me up. "

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He says to her, " What's going on? " She says, " Believe it or not, John, I've gone public! "

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. Whilefishing, the old man starts talking about how times havechanged. The young man picks up on this and starts talkingabout the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, " Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problemswith all these diseases when you were young did they? " Grandpa replies, " Nope. " Teen says, " Well, what did you guys use for safe sex? " Grandpa replies, " A wedding ring. "

A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said" Your wife's mind has completely gone! " To which the man replied " I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years! "

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a doublescotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside hisshirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket andordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, " Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all nightlong. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another. " The customer replied, " I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she startsto look good, then I know it's time to go home. "

I'll never forget the first time I saw my husband, He was standing on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze, and he too proud to run after it.

" I've had it with my wife. " said the one drinking buddy to the other. " I'm filing for an divorce. " " Sorry to hear that pal. " said his partner. " May I ask why? " " I found her supply of birth control pills. " said the first. " Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin. " " It ain't just that. " stormed Frank. " I had a vasectomy over five years ago. "

Here's a sick one…So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut offher late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The morticianobjects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffinclosing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees atear coming from his eye. She says " Hurts doesn't it, you son of abitch! "

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunnedfor a while but then smiled and said, " It really works! "

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wifein bed with another man. " Get over it, buddy, " he said. " It's not the end of the world. " " It's all right for you to say, " answered his buddy. " But whatif you came home one night and caught another man in bed withyour wife? " The fella ponders for a moment, then says, " I'd break his caneand kick his seeing- eye dog in the ass. "

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave- yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A. M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said, " Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Asprin? " The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store. When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk asked, " Say, Aren't you Mike This- and- That? " Mike answered him and said, " Yes I am. " Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, " Well, aren't you a police officer? " And again Mike replied yes. Then the clerk asked, " Then why are you dressed like the fire chief? " Sent by Tyler

" Was your wife a virgin when you married? " " I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no. "

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with anunusual offer. " Look, I'll give you $ 100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When youget to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, 'I'd appreciateit if you'd just leave that part out. " He passed the minister a $ 100bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved tothat part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comestime for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, " Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you willnot ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? " The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, " I do. " Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, " I thought we had a deal. " The pastor put the $ 100 bill into his hand and whispered back, " She mademe a much better offer. "

What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common? Well you start off with a lot of blowing and then sucking, and then next thing you know your house is gone!

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance thanto improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: " Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you. " The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: " Stop! Stand still! If you take one morestep a car will run over you and you will die. " The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. " Where are you? " the man asked. " Who are you? " " I am your guardian angel, " the voice answered. " Oh yeah? " the man asked…" And where were you when I got married? "

A husband comes home with a half- gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. " How hard is it? " she asks. " About as hard as my dick. " he replies. " Ok, then pour me some! "