A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought hisashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onthe counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, " You know that fur coat you promised me Irving? " She answered by saying, " I bought it with the insurance money! " She then said, " Irving, remember that new car you promised me? " She answered again saying, " Well, I bought it with the insurance money! " Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, " Irving remember thatBlowJob I promised you? Here it comes…"
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: " Here lies my wife….. cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: " Here lies my husband….. stiff at last"
A girl runs home to her mother crying, " I can't marry Joe! He's an atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! " Don't worry, Honey, " said her mom. " But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell! " Don't worry, Honey, " repeated her mom, " you marry him…and we'll convince him! "
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, " I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday. " Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn't get her anything. She says, " Why didn't you get me a birthday present!? " He replies, " You didn't use what I got you last year! "
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. " After all, dear, " she said to her husband, " you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you? " " No, " her husband replied. " Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver. "
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! " I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, " but I can't send youoff to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. " With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man'sschlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. " I have something to show you that you won't believe, " he said, and opened up his briefcase. " Oh my God! " she screamed. " Schwatrz is dead! "
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68? At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 – You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 – If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
A woman got a problem with her closet door – it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. " OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: " What the hell are you doing here! " Repairman: " Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus! " Sent by Ser
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man towhisper, " Darling am I the first man to make love to you? " Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. " Of course you are! " she said. " And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions. "
Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife, " Maude, when I'm dead and gone… I want you to marry farmer Jones. " " Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you! " Maude replies. " But I want you to, Maude. " " But why? " Maude asks. " Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade! "
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep themin the dark until they mature into something you'd wantto have dinner with.
When is premature ejaculation a serious problem? When it occurs between " hello" and " what's your sign? "
What's the difference between a nine- month pregnantwoman and a Playboy centerfold? Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. " Ooooooo! " she wailed, " I am the Devil! " He sticks out his hand…" Put it there, pal, " he says, " I am married to your sister. "
John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, " See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! " John replies, " Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over hereexcept on Tuesdays and Thursdays. "
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight- watchers meeting. " My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure. " she lamented to the woman next to her. " Well, " the lady replied, " what's wrong with that? " " He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings. "
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. " What would you like to do next? " he asked. " I wanna be weighed, " shesaid. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. " One- twelve, " said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. " I wanna be weighed, " she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, " What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight? " " Wousy, " said the girl.
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. " HA! " he snorted. " The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest! " On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, " There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat! " " That's not your chest! " he roars back. " Damn right it's my chest! " she argued. " Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest…. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT…IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST! "
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in loveand going to get married. He says, " Just for fun, Ma, I'm goingto bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'mgoing to marry. " The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful womeninto the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat fora while. He then says, " Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry. " She immediately replies, " The red- head in the middle. " " That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? " " I don't like her. "
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tellshis wife about the purchase he's just made. " Olympic condoms? " she blurts, " What makes them so special? " " There are three colors, " he explains, " gold, silver and bronze. " " So what color are you gonna wear tonight? " she asks with a grin. " Gold of course, " says the proud man. The wife responds, " Why don't you wear silver – – it would be niceif you came second for a change! "
I overheard a friend telling his pal, " I can't break mywife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning. " " What is she doing? " the pal asks. " Waiting for me to get home. "
" My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis, " mumbles an angrybiker to one of his buddies. " No, " says the friend, " people don't die of syphilis anymore. " The angry biker replies, " They do when they give it to me! "
Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world? Because they already have boyfriends!
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, whenall of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. " Oh, no, it's my husband! " The man says, " Where's your back door? " " We don't have a back door" says the woman. The man then asks, " Well, where do you want a back door? "
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. " My wife, " the man replied. " I'm sorry, " said Dave. " What happened to her? " " My dog bit her and she died. " Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, " My mother- in- law. My dog bit her and she died as well. " " Can I borrow your dog? " " Get in line. " replied the man.
After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, " Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone. " " I am!!! " Lori fumed. " You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay'involved tossing a coin for position. "
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, " This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary! " Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, " I'm going to come back and get you" Sent by Scott
What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend? Let everyone go first!
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, " When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever'. " " Yeah, " she replies, " When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last. '"
Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober….
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes. " Hello, hello, hello! " he screamed at them. " Aren't you talking to me? " his missus snapped.
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. " It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world, " she boasted. " The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz. " " What a diamond! " " How lucky you are! " " Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, " Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse! " The ladies buzzed and asked, " And what's the Lipshitz curse? " " Lipshitz, " sighed the lady.
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, " What's the matter? " He says, " Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me. "
Conversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not – don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left- handed. WOMAN: – – – silence – – – MAN: Oh Shit.