College jokes

How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M& M's.

Professor: A wise man doubts everything. Only a pin- head is positive. Student: Are you sure of that, sir? Professor: Positive.

What's the difference between an American student and an English student? About 3000 miles!

" Now my motto in life, " said the school chaplain, " is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet? " " My motto is let bygones be bygones. " " That's good. Why did you choose that? " " Then I wouldn't have to take any history classes! "

What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, " Do you have any final words, son? " " Yeah, drop dead! " snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim's throat. " It's God's will! Let him go! " cried the judge. Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, " And what are your final remarks, my boy? " " Go to hell! " shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor- sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy's neck. " It's the wi ll of God! " exclaimed the judge. " Set him free! " Finally the Texan was put into position. " Before you're beheaded, " said the judge, " do you have any last words? " " Yeh! " replied the Aggie. " If y'all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade'll come down a whole lot easier! "

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. " Done! " says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, " Say something. " The dean sighs and says, " I should have taken the money. "

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them and sometimes with good reason. " What kind of pie do you call this? " asked one student indignantly. " What's it taste like? " asked the cook. " " Glue! " " Then it's apple pie the plum pie tastes like soap. "

How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears.

Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus. One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate, " I hear there's a new case of herpes in the dorm. " " Great! " said Baldwin. " I was getting tired of 7- Up! "

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. " What on earth did you do that for? " shouts Frank. " You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze. " Matt replies, " And we weren't? "

A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!

Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.

Higginbote and Goldstein, Fordham freshmen, were discussing what kind of work would supply mem with big bucks after graduation. " Well, I've always thought I'd like to be a doctor, " said Higginbote. " Specialize in something or other. Like obstetrics, maybe. " " Obstetrics? " scoffed Goldstein. " At the rate science is going, you'd no sooner learn all about it when bingo! somebody'd find a cure for it. "

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, " What is the usual tip? " " Well, " replied the youth, " this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great. " " Is that so? " snorted Bud. " Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars. " " Thanks, " replied the youth, " I'll put this in my school fund. " " What are you studying? " asked Bud. The lad smiled and said, " Applied psychology. "

What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air? Collecting his thoughts.

What is the second stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas architectural student out in the middle of the ocean trying to build a foundation for a house. What is the stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas contractor trying to build a house on the foundation.

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, " Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too? " " Uhh, oh yeah, okay, " responded the kid. So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, her husband asked, " Well how much did you give the boy his time? " She said, " Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $ 20 and the other for $ 1000 out to him. " " That's $ 1020! " yelled her husband. Are you crazy? " " Don't worry, Hon, " she said. " I taped the $ 20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $ 1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19! "

Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.

" Did you hear? Lament's gettin'a Ph. D. " " What does Ph. D. stand for? " " in his case, Pin- headed Dope. "

" Where are my shoes? " asked the Iowa State professor as the class ended. " They're on your feet, " said one of the students. " So they are, " said the professor. " It's a good thing you saw them, or I would have gone home without them! "

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. " Hey Bitch, " I said. " You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on! " And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, I unwrapped my diploma, fr amed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: " In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted! "

Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles? They can't get their heads in the jar.

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning. Wife: When did you first miss it, dear? Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic: " Has anyone in this class heard God? " Nobody spoke. " Has anyone in this class touched God? " Again, nobody spoke. " Has anyone in this class seen God? " When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, " Then there is no God. " One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: " Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain? " Silence. " Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain? " Silence. " Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain? " When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, " Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain! " You can't argue with that!

What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape? A retarded ape.

How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he gets three hours credit.

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds. " Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness? " asked one of the girls. " No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident. "

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, " Here's a pill for English literature. " The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! " What else do you have? " asks the student. " Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, " replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, " Do you have a pill for math? " The pharmacist says, " Wait just a moment. " He goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. " I have to take that huge pill for math? " inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, " Well, you know… mat h always was a little hard to swallow. "

Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!

Jeb and Eudell, University of Michigan athletes, were driving from Ann Arbor to Cleveland. Just outside the city limits they saw a sign: " CLEAN REST ROOMS. " By the time they got to Cleveland, they'd cleaned 147 Johns.

A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus. The survey taker asked a soccer player, " What do you think of bilingualism? " " Oh, I think it's okay, " said the boy, " if it's between consenting adults. "

Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?