Clinton jokes

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Hillary's room. She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes, Mr. President- – I'll remove the mirrors right away.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it.

Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child? Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House? A: There is White- out on the screen.

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, " I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain. " Gingrich responds, " I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart. " Clinton speaks up, " Where's Dorothy? "

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family- – you're happy.

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, " Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today. " She smirked and replied, " No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States. "

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. " So you buried all the politicians? " asked the police officer. " Were they all dead? " The farmer answered, " Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. "

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two- – one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off- shore drilling.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two- – One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers.

Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs. They're called " The Johnson Years".

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face? A: He is stupid!

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None- – He'll only promise " change. "

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. " There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. " Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: " Will I be acquitted? "

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words.