Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, " SCREW THE CHILDREN!! " Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts, " YES, YES!! But do we have enough time? "
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short- tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: " Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active. " Ground: " Guten morgan, taxi to your gate. " The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: " Speedbird, do you not know where you are going? " Speedbird 206: " Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now. " Ground (with typical German impatience): " Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before? " Speedbird 206 (coolly): " Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop. "
Cessna: " Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel. " Tower: " Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!! " Cessna: " Uh…tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is. "
Pilot: " Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel. " Tower: " Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!! " Pilot: " Uh…tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is. "
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: " Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". " Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? " asks a little old lady, terrified. " Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". " And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more? " asks the little lady. " Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
" Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.. " " OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!! "
An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboard if they were to survive. After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so they asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said, " Viva la France. " Next a preacher went to the door and said, " Lord forgive me for what I must do. " Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said, " Well guess I got to do my part, " and he grabbed two Mexicans and tossed them out and yelled, " Remember the Alamo!.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: " There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft…"
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, " How long does it take to fly to Boston? " The clerk said, " Just a minute…" " Thank you, " the man said and hung up.
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. " Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? " she asked. " No, thanks, " replied the vultures. " They're carrion. "
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. " Tell me, " she said suspiciously, " what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane? " The actuary looked through his tables and said, " A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand. " She nodded, then thought for a moment. " So what are the o dds of two people having a bomb on the same plane? " Again he went through his tables. " Extremely remote, " he said. " About one in a billion. " Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
" Flight 1234, are you ready to copy holding instructions? " " Center, make that request on the next frequency…. "
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade. When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said " A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead. " The men said they were very sorry to here that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said " A brick fell from the sky, land- ed on my dog, and now my dog is dead. " The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, " I bent over to get the news paper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up! "
Pilot says: " Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern. "
A man walks up to the counter at the airport. " Can I help you? " asks the agent. " I want a round trip ticket, " says the man. " Where to? " asks the agent. " Right back to here. "
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. " Throw out more! " shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. " More! " he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says " A pistol hit me on the head! " They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, " A rifle hit me on the head! " They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask h im, " Kid, what's so funny? " The boy replies, " I sneezed and a house blew up! "
From a Southwest Airlines employee…. " Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry- on luggage were launched down the aisle. After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came " Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton…and if any of you were asleep…I bet you're not now! "
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate # 1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. The crying baby on board is always seated next to you. The best- looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry- on luggag e space available on an aircraft, the more carry- on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
United Airlines FA: " Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called " touch down. "
How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is done by the automatic pilot.
A small two- seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
According to " The Australian, " an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
ATC: " Cessna G- ABCD What are your intentions? " Cessna: " To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating. " ATC: " I meant in the next five minutes not years. "
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns...
From the pilot during his welcome message: " We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck. Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks " And get me a whisky you cow! " The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls " And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach " I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says " For someone who can't fly, you complain too much! "
I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said " Hi Jack. " He shot me.
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it- – until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: " Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair…"
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, " Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD! " Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! " A passenger in Coach said, " That's nothing. You should see the back of mine! "
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: " We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal. "
Tower: Shamu two- two, please state estimated time of arrival. Pilot: Ok, let's see…, I think Tuesday would be nice…
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. " The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats " I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. " The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head st ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, " I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica. "
All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first- timer questions. One guy asked, " If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground? " Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, " The rest of your life. "