Comedian Jokes

I never actually grapsed the whole " Trick or treat" ultimatum. Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep- is this a choice? – Jerry Seinfeld

When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there- Charlie Viracola

I was in a good mood last week. I entered a competition and won a years supply of marmite….. one jar!

My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self- examination. It's a flat fee. – Wendy Liebman

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? – George Carlin

The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money- Jay Leno

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents. – Conan O'Brien

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before- George Carlin

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. – Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an " Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just " Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. " – Mitch Hedberg

The EPA is conducting a $ 700, 000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. " Pollution? It's those damn trees. " Jay Leno

eariler this week i went to the guy who inveted the hokey pokey's funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in, then took his left leg out, they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about. Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out, they put his left leg in and they shook it all about, and so on and so forth until he was totally in

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland. He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job. He told me that he walked out because the guyasked me for my name and i said" Paddy Milligan". He said " How do you spell" Milligan"? he replied

Having a dog is great, it's just the 'dog people'that freak me out. " Oh, look at her, she's precious, just like Mommy. " Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples – it ain't leaving the house.

Have you ever seen Pop Idol? One point it was held at an esso gas station. This irishman came on to do a song. He stoodnext to the diesel pump, lit the place up and it exploded. He started singing " I'm Still Standing"!

I once met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date butunfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!