One behaviorist to another after lovemaking: " Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me? "
Mental health jokes
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
How many Obsessive- Compulsive P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, " How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next? " A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, " A basketball coach? "
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital? The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
How many Passive Aggressive P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Oops. I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, " Um, I think your problem is low self- esteem. It is very common among losers. "
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Don't let people push you around.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How many Dependent P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist? Because she thought everybody loved her.
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me. What do you mean by that?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? " How long have you been having this phantasy? "
How many Histrionic P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? " You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don't love me anymore! "
Psychiatrist: Well, what's your problem? Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black shoes. Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself. Patient: Really? How do your like yours – fried or boiled?
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say. Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? " Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change? "
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, " Hello. " The other one thought, " I wonder what he meant by that. "
What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch, face down.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the DSM- IV.
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. " Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump? " asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, " Well Doc, I can't swim! "
" The trouble is, " said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, " that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't tell jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything! " " Then why don't you give up show business? " " I can't – I'm a star! "
Psychiatrist to his nurse: " Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse. '"
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit there and don't stir.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? " How many do you think it takes? "
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, " You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly. " On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, " Have the tranquilizers calmed you down? " " Yes, " the boy's mother answered. " And how is your son now? " the psychiatrist asked. " Who cares? " the mother replied.
Fred: " Why are you so upset? " Harry: " My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning. " Fred: " So what? " Harry: " So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'. "
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, " It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob? "
Doctor, doctor, I'm manic- depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet? " " You're fine, how am I? "
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. " Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck. " " Oh, he didn't kill himself, " Mr. Haroldson replied. " I hung him up to dry. "
Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate? Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.