Best Jokes Online
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, " Why are you here? " The second answers, " I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here. " The first is curious and asks, " How do you know that you're Napoleon? " The second responds, " God told me I was. " At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, " NO I DIDN'T! "
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, " People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems. " The others agreed. Then one said, " Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out? " The other three agreed. The first then confessed, " I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients. " The second psychiatrist said, " I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want. " The third followed with, " I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me. " The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, " I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't kee p a secret…"
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, " Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it. " As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, " King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans. "
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two? A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, " How much is five plus five? " The patient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: " Easy. Blue multiplied by square equals ten. "
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. " Just to establish some parameters, " said the professor to the student from Arkansas, " What is the opposite of joy? " " Sadness, " said the student. And the opposite of depression? " he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. " Elation, " said she. " And you sir, " he said to the young man from Texas, " how about the opposite of woe? " The Texan replied, " Sir, I believe that would be giddy- up. "
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well- rested, energetic, and cheerful. " Doc! " Joe says, " It's amazing! I'm cured! " " That's great news! " the psychoanalyst says. " you seem to be doing much better. How? " " I went to see another doctor, " Joe says enthusiastically, " and he cured me in just ONE session! " " One?! " the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. " Yeah, " continues Joe, " my new doctor is a behaviorist. " " A behaviorist? " the psychoanalyst asks. " How did he cure you in one session? " " Oh, easy, " says Joe. " He told me to cut the legs off of my bed. "
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge. What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
How many Borderline P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. " Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this. " " What's the problem? " the docotor inquired. " Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away. " " My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self- esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you. " The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. " Did my advice not work? " asked the doctor. " It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've e njoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women. " " So, what's your problem? " " I don't have a problem, " the man replied. " My wife does. "
One behaviorist to another after lovemaking: " Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me? "
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
How many Obsessive- Compulsive P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, " How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next? " A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, " A basketball coach? "
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital? The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
How many Passive Aggressive P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Oops. I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, " Um, I think your problem is low self- esteem. It is very common among losers. "
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Don't let people push you around.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How many Dependent P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist? Because she thought everybody loved her.
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me. What do you mean by that?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? " How long have you been having this phantasy? "
How many Histrionic P. D. does to take to change a lightbulb? " You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don't love me anymore! "
Psychiatrist: Well, what's your problem? Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black shoes. Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself. Patient: Really? How do your like yours – fried or boiled?
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say. Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? " Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change? "
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, " Hello. " The other one thought, " I wonder what he meant by that. "
What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch, face down.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the DSM- IV.