Legal

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender " Do you serve lawyers here? " " Sure do, " replied the bartender. " Good, " said the customer, " Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator. "

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that hisonly recourse was to appeal his assignment. Thelawyer immediately advised that he intended toappeal, but was then told that he would be waitingat least three years before his appeal could beheard. The lawyer protested that a three- year waitwas unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, whotold him that he would be able to arrange an appealto be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willingto change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: " Why canappeals be heard so much sooner in Hell? " The devil answered: " We have all of the judges. "

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking: Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter " the House" ) ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to, a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixedby and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief thatSt. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter " Claus" )would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i. e. thechildren, of the aforementioned House were located in their individualbeds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e. dreams, whereinvision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in saiddreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred toas " I" ), being the joint- owner in fee simple of the House with the partsof the second part (hereinafter " Mamma" ), and said Mamma had retired fora sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad invarious forms of headgear, e. g. kerchief and cap. )Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon theunimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i. e. thelawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to...

WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v. s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty- five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, " Defendant" ), through that company's mail- order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self- employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr....

Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground? Because deep down, they are really nice guys.

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. " Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leavingmy name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. "

Attorney to witness: " And where was the location of the accident? " Witness: " Approximately milepost 499. " Attorney: " And where is milepost 499? " Witness: " About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500. "

Question: What is 1 + 2? Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions. Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for. Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred- year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. " The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead! " " I don't think so, " his attorney told him. " I sent it in the other lawyer's name! "

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach? The cats keep covering them up with sand!

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble inthe countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, " There might be a problem. You see, I only have room fortwo to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn. " " No problem, " spoke the Rabbi. " My people wandered in the desert for fortyyears. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. " With thathe departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. " What's wrong? " asked the farmer. He replied, " I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There isa pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal. " His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes latethe same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. " What's wrong, now? " the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replies, " I too am grateful for your helping us out, butthere is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. Ican't sleep on holy ground! " Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change....

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gatesof Heaven, and the angel standing there said, " We've been waiting along time for you. " " What do you mean, " he replied, " I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now? " " 45? You're not 45, you're 82, " replied the angel. " Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate. " " Hold on. Let me go check, " said the angel and disspeared inside. Aftera few minutes the angel returned. " Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…"

" You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man ofyour background, " sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. " If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment, " replied the witness.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. " Doctor, " she asks nervously, " canyou get pregnant from anal intercourse? " " Certainly, " replies the doctor, " Where do you think lawyers come from? "

Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porcheand a porcupine? – A porcupine has pricks on the outside!

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through thebrush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks theass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, " Hey! Cut it out, alright! " The rear tiger says, " sorry, " and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turnsaround and cuffs the rear tiger and says, " I said stop it! " The rear tiger says, " sorry, " and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, " What is it with you, anyway? " The rear tiger replies, " Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to getthe taste out of my mouth! "

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline? You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig? Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do!

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, " We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle- aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want? " " I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. " It was easy", said the patient, " I wanted a heart that hadn't been used. "

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. " I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin. " " Sit down, " says the judge. " That's the prosecuting attorney. "

What is the proper weight for an attorney? About 3 pounds,……. not counting the urn!

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, " Before you signed thedeath certificate had you taken the man's pulse? " The coroner says, " No. " The attorney then asks, " Did you listen for a heart beat? " " No. " " So when you signed the death certificate you had not takenany steps to make sure the man was dead, had you? " The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, " Well, let meput it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on mydesk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing lawsomewhere. "

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, " You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can. " After a time, Taylor re- entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, " You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split. "

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness to the stand – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. Heapproached her and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me? " Sheresponded, " Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointmentto me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when youhaven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two- bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? " She replied, " Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice isone of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated onhis wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, Iknow him. " The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a veryquiet voice said, " If either of...

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford tobe screwed for?

How are lawyers like sperm? One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, " Just what the hell you are doing? " " Well, " said the guy, " you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art! " " That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! " the guy replied. " I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me? "

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

For three years, the young attorney had been taking hisbrief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'dfinally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged hissuitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant in her lap! " Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you werepregnant? " he cried. " I would have rushed up here, wecould have gotten married, and the baby would have my name! " " Well, " she said, " when my folks found out about mycondition, we sat up all night talkin'and talkin'anddecided it would be better to have a bastard in thefamily than a lawyer! "

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?

What is the worst thing about our justice system? You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people whoweren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!