Trial Of The Century

Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess…DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. JUDGE: To what? DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up. PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time. DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something. PROSECUTION: The people do not. DEFENSE: Do too. PROSECUTION: Do not. DEFENSE: Do too. DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty! JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed. PROSECUTION: Where were we? JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on " Do not. " PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not. DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr. PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe that that is not really F. Lee Bailey. (A murmer runs through the courtroom. )JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this courtroom! BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir. PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not...

A guy walks into a post office…

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle- aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing " Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says " I'm sending out 1, 000 Valentine cardssigned, 'Guess who? '" " But why? " asks the man. " I'm a divorce lawyer, " the man replies.

If two lawyers were drowning…

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated! If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital…

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found himsitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible " What areyou doing? " asked the friend. " Looking for loopholes, " repied the lawyer.

A man walks into a friend and sees…

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's caris total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, " What's happened to your car? " " Well, " the friend responses, " I ran into a lawyer". " OK, " says the man, " that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt? " " Well, I had to chase him all through the park. "

A guy in a bar

The bartender asks him " What'll you have? ". The guy answers, " A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says " That'll be five dollars", to which he replies " What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, " You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, " Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, " What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back! ". The guy says " What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies " I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. " To which the guy replies " Thank you! Make it a scotch. "

The dog and the butcher

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to aneighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensedat the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, " Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liablefor the cost of the meat? " The lawyer replied, " Of course, how muchwas the roast? " " $ 7. 98. " A few days later the butcher received acheck in the mail for $ 7. 98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: " Legal Consultation Service: $ 150. "

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to…

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. " You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand? " The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, " Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth? " The client looked back and said, " I imagine that our side will win. "

An older woman was in the pastoral study…

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding. " Father, " she said, " How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin? " " My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be, " he replied. " Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time! "

The first client

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxiousto impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to hisoffice come through the door, he immediately picked up his phoneand spoke into it, " I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendousthat I am not going to be able to look into your problem for atleast a month. I shall have to get back to you then. " He then turnedto the man who had just walked in, and said, " Now, what can I do foryou? " " Nothing, " replied the man. " I am here to hook up your phone. "

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop…

A tourist wanders into a back- alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. " Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, " says the shop owner, " and an extra thousand for the story behind it. " " At that price, you can keep the story, old man, " he replies, " but I'll take the bronze rat. " The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars… following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how...

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights…

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. There's no sign of theoffending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's anote stuck under the windshield wiper. " Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who sawthe accident are nodding and smiling at me because they thinkI'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. "

Honesty is the best policy

A very very rich gentleman dies, leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says " I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states " Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says " I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount! "

A really cold morning

Two men are meeting on the street. " It was very cold this morning. " " How cold was it? " I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyerwith his hands in his own pockets. "

A man walked into a lawyer's office and…

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. " Fifty dollars for three questions, " replied the lawyer. " Isn't that awfully steep? " asked the man. " Yes, " the lawyer replied, " and what was your third question? "


Guilty Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. " Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, " the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. " Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room, " he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty. " The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. " But how? " inquires the lawyer. " You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door. " Answers the representative: " Oh, we did look. But your client didn't. "

Marrying and divorcing in Heaven

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got toheaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them toget married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it andagreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent forthem. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things wenton, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back toSt. Peter, and said: " We thought we would be happy forever, butnow we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is thereany way we can get divorced? " " Are you kidding? " said St. Peter. " It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marryyou. I will never get a lawyer! "

That was an insult

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, " Asshole attorneys". The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying " I want you to know I highly resent that remark". " Why, are you an attorney? " " No, I'm an asshole. "

Too good to be true

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender " Do you serve lawyers here? " " Sure do, " replied the bartender. " Good, " said the customer, " Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator. "

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven…

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that hisonly recourse was to appeal his assignment. Thelawyer immediately advised that he intended toappeal, but was then told that he would be waitingat least three years before his appeal could beheard. The lawyer protested that a three- year waitwas unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, whotold him that he would be able to arrange an appealto be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willingto change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: " Why canappeals be heard so much sooner in Hell? " The devil answered: " We have all of the judges. "

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking: Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter " the House" ) ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to, a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixedby and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief thatSt. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter " Claus" )would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i. e. thechildren, of the aforementioned House were located in their individualbeds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e. dreams, whereinvision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in saiddreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred toas " I" ), being the joint- owner in fee simple of the House with the partsof the second part (hereinafter " Mamma" ), and said Mamma had retired fora sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad invarious forms of headgear, e. g. kerchief and cap. )Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon theunimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i. e. thelawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to...


WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v. s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty- five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, " Defendant" ), through that company's mail- order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self- employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr....

Did you kill the victim?

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken…

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. " Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leavingmy name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. "

A precise location

Attorney to witness: " And where was the location of the accident? " Witness: " Approximately milepost 499. " Attorney: " And where is milepost 499? " Witness: " About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500. "

Question: What is 1 + 2?

Question: What is 1 + 2? Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions. Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for. Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

A tough case was being argued in court…

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred- year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. " The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead! " " I don't think so, " his attorney told him. " I sent it in the other lawyer's name! "