Miscellaneous

Preparing for skiing

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C- clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $ 8. 50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it...

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat- o- nine- tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini- van tires with Glade " holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December...

The morning after

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with apounding headache, cotton- mouthed and utterly unable to recallthe events of the preceding evening. After a trip to thebathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put somecoffee in front of him. " Louise, " he moaned, " tell me what happened last night. Was itas bad as I think? " " Even worse, " she said, her voice oozing scorn. " You made acomplete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing theentire board of directors and you insulted the president ofthe company, right to his face. " " He's an idiot, " Bob said. " Piss on him! " " You did, " came thereply. " And he fired you. " " Well, screw him! " said Bob. " I did. You're back at work onMonday. "

The Cremation

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down nextto the grieving widow. " How old was your husband? " he asked. " He was ninety- eight, " she answered softly. " Two years older than Iam. " " Really? " the undertaker said. " Hardly worth going home, wouldn'tyou say? "

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date. 10. " Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore. " 9. " Show me how you used to spank her. " 8. " Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter. " 7. " Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her? " 6. " I just got my license today. " 5. " I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped memature. " 4. " Five bucks says she's a D- cup. " 3. " Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches? " 2. " Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob. '" 1. " So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

FBI Agent for Hire

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said " To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. " The man took the gun, hesitated, and said " Sorry, I can't do it. " The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said " To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. " The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. " Sorry, " he said. The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said " To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. " The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said " Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing! "

Blonde on Horseback

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, butshe slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

The pop machine.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. " Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet? " She looked at him and indignantly replied: " Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

Two Rednecks

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said " lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll- ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin'these here beers!! " Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. " We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". " What fer? ", asked Bubba. " Just let me do the talkin', OK? ", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, " You boys been drinkin'? " " No, sir", said Earl. " We're on the patch"!

The Unhappy Nun

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help. " The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much. ", said the nun. " Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade. ", said the company spokeswoman. Mother superior then observed, " I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel! '".

Top 10 things you'll never hear a girl say.

1) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 2) Shouldn't you be out drinking with your friends? 3) Great fart!! Rip another one! 4) Pet names are silly. I just call it my c* nt. 5) You should see the shit I just birthed. 6) I'd rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping. 7) Let's start subscribing to Hustler. 8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend? 9) I'll swallow it all. I love the taste of it! 10) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm buying.

The Gay in the Bar

A gay guy walks into a bar and says " bartender give me a brewskie. " The bartender says, " We don't serve your kind here. " The gay continues, " I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything. " The bartender says, " Well, all right! " and pours a beer. A while later a cowboy walks in and says " Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls" A voice is heard from the corner. " Moo! Moo! Buckaroo! "

Polish Air Disaster

First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but rememberit's just a joke! Polands's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two- seaterCessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon incentral Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so farand expect that number to climb as digging continues into theevening.

25 facts of life

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight- saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above- average drivers. 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday....

The burglar and the parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlightaround, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player toplace in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the darksaying, " Jesus is watching you. " He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, andfroze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clickedthe light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just ashe pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear asa bell he heard, " Jesus is watching you. " Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for thesource of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, hisflashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. " Did you say that? " Hehissed at the parrot. " Yep, " the parrot confessed, then squawked, " I'm just trying to warnyou. " The burglar relaxed. " Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you? " " Moses, " replied the bird. " Moses? " the burglar laughed. " What kind of stupid people would namea parrot Moses? " The bird promptly answered, " Probably the same kind of people thatwould name a Rotweiller " Jesus"!

Just one wish.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, " OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish! " The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, " I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? " The genie laughed and said, " That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete – – how much steel!! No, think of another wish. " The man said " OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, " I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say " nothing, " know...

Possible titles for Lewinsky's new book

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's new book1. I Suck At My Job2. What Really Goes Down In The White House3. How I Blew It In Washington4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President5. Clear and Present Boner6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule7. Going Back for Gore8. Podium Girl9. Secret Services to the President10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton11. Deep Inside The Oval Office12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions13. She's Chief of MY Staff! 14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes15. How To Beat Off the Government16. Going Down and Moving Up17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet18. Me and My Big Mouth19. How To Get Ahead in Business

Shingle Material

How many Kentucky basketball fans does it take to roof a house? Three, if you slice them really thin.

The Chinese construction worker.

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese. He says to the Irishman, " you're in charge of Sweeping, I want this whole area swept up before I get back". He says to the Italian, " You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away. " He says to the Chinaman, " You're in charge of supplies. No make sure that all gets done before I get back. " Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, " I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared. " The Italian says " And I couldn't find a shovel". So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just then, the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams " SUPPLIES!! "

A bat joke.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single batSTANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: " What the heckare you doing down there? " And the fellow shouts back: " Yoga! "

Hard of Hearing Genie

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks " whats in the box". The man says " I'll show ya'if you get me a beer. " So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano! Next the bar tender asks " hey! thats prety cool, where did ya'get that? " The man says" I'll tell ya'if you get me another beer. " So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says " I got it from a geenie and a lamp" The bar tender says " If ya'let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya'another beer. " The man says " Oh, Okay! " The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out! The geenie says " Master, I grant you one wish, what is it? " The bar tender says " I wish for a million bucks!!! " And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. " What the heck is this!!! I...

Hickbonics!

Atlanta School BoardThe Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or " Hickphonics, " as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI – – noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: " Heidi. Hire yew. " BARD – – verb. Past tense of the infinitive " to borrow. " Usage: " My brother bard my pickup truck. " JAWJUH – – noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot- lanta. Usage: " My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck. " MUNTS – – noun. A calendar division. Usage: " My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts. " IGNERT – – adjective. Not smart. See " Arkansas native. " Usage: " Them N- C- TWO- A boys sure are ignert! " RANCH – – noun. A tool used for tight'nin'bolts. Usage: " I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago. " ALL – – noun. A petroleum- based lubricant. Usage: " I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck. " FAR – – noun. A conflagration. Usage: " If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup...

The World of High Finance

A man walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $ 5000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $ 5000 and interest of $ 15. 41. The loan officer says inquiringly, " Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $ 5000? " " Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $ 15. 41? "

In an elevator!

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, " 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown. " The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, " What's wrong with you? " The small guy says, " Excuse me, but what did you say? " The big dude looks down and says, " 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown. " The small guy says, " Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'. "

Odd One Out

Q: Which is the odd one out – a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman? A: The TV because all the others leak when they're fucked!

The undressing newlyweds.

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. " What happened to you feet? " his wife asked. " I had a childhood disease called tolio. " " Don't you mean polio? " " No, tolio, it only affects the toes. " He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. " What happened to your knees? " she asked. " Well, I also had kneesles. " " Don't you mean measles? " " No, kneesles, it only affects the knees. " When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said…" Don't tell me, you also had smallcox! "

Jesus meets Joseph

St. Peter has a day- off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking- in'the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name. " Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive. " Occupation? " is the next question, the reply being " Carpenter". Jesus is now getting quite excited. In quite a state Jesus asks " Did you have a little boy? ", the answer is " yes". " Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles? " asks Jesus, " Yes" comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts " FATHER, FATHER"?! The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies…. " Pinnochio? "

Paper or Plastic?

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him " Paperor Plastic" and the man said, " Uh…paper I guess. " Then the bagger boy said your total is $ 56. 35. The man took out his wallet and said " Real or Counterfeit".

The Stub

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. " I'm sorry sir, " she said politely, " but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB. "

Baking humor

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeastinfection. He was 71. Known to friends as " Brown- n- Serve, " Fresh was anavid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largestfuneral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, theCalifornia Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the HostessTwinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who " never knew how muchhe was kneaded. " Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled withmany turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting muchof his dough on half- baked schemes – – conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Heenjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun athim. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and anotherbun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3: 50 for about 20 minutes.

Seagulls

Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they would be called baygulls! (baygull- bagel. ha ha ha. )

A new national anthem?

Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a newnational anthem for the United States, " Yank my Dandy Doodle! "

Three women nicknaming their husbands.

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no- see- ums fly about. The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: " Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!! 'your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion. " Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, " I think I'll name my husband 'Seven- UP'". " Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven- UP'? " queries one of the old gals. " Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up! " replies the first lady. The second lady then muses a bit and says, " I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'. " " Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'? " " Well, cuz mountin'is one thing he do real well, " the second lady says. Both then turn to the third...

Blonde quickies 81-100

81. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. 82. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn. 83. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country. 84. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? 85. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: * Who cares? * 86. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex! 87. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm???? A1: She drops her nail- file!!! A2: Who cares? A3: She say 'Next'A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes A6: The batteries have run out. 88. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. 89. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: " Thanks for the refill! " 90. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? A: Data transfer. 91. Q: Why do blondes have more...