Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
'Five dollars for one question! 'said the girl to the fortune- teller. 'That's very expensive, isn't it? ''Next! '
Why isn't a dime worth as much today as it used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.
Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here's the elastic band.
Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.
Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had? Because they were a nuisance (new cents).
Who makes a million dollars a day? Someone who works in a mint.
A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. " Oh yes, I've done that, " said the old gentleman. " I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life. "
'I can't find my dollar bill, 'Jane sobbed. 'Don't worry, 'her Counselor said. 'A dollar doesn't go very far today. '
How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.
Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting? Because he gave out bad scents (cents).
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $ 50 dollar bills.
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. 'What are you doing? 'she asked. 'I'm looking for my dollar bill, 'Max replied. 'I lost it down the road. ''Why don't you look for it there? ''Because the light's better here! '
When does a female deer need money? When she doesn't have a buck.
If George Washington were alive today, why couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, " I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army. "
Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill? 'His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask? 'Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one! '
Why is a cat like a penny? Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up scents (cents).
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.
Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, " Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle? " " Whada ya win? " " A million dollars! " said the redneck. " You get a dollar a year for a million years. " " How much are they each? " " Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar! "
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.
How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.
Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out ''I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table! ''The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out, ''I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket! ''
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich? Because the poor didn't have any!
Where do Eskimos keep their money? In snowbanks.
Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. 'Alec! 'yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing. Why? ''Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do! '
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.
Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.
What is the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half!