Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. " Go and clean out the aquarium" he was told. Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do. " Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, " the lions will eat anything". So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions. " Dont worry" said the head keeper, " just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything". So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. " I know what to do", he thinks to himself " I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon...
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill- in- the- blank. The last question read, " Old MacDonald had a ________. " Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. " Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question? " Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. " Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM. " " Oh yeah, " said Bubba. " I remember now. " He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's should er again, he whispered, " Tiny, how do you spell farm? " " You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E- I- E- I- O. "
Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. " Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those. " I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, " Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express. "
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. " Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, " he smiled with delight. " Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light'five hundred times. "
A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. 'You can't go home in this, 'said one of his friends, 'you'd better stay the night. ''That's very kind of you, 'said the boy. 'I'll just run home and get my pyjamas. '
There once was a German schoolteacher. She went to England to teach. When she arrived at the boardinghouse, she wanted to use the bathroom of the Water Closet. She sent a note with a messenger boy to the host asking where the WC was, thinking that the house knew what WC stood for. When the host recieved the letter, he wrote a response thinking that the WC was the Wayside Chapel. He reponse read: The WC is 3 miles away. My wife has been sick for a while, so she was not able to go for 3 years. The WC can hold up to 300 people at one time. The people complained about the hard wooden seats so instead soft, plush seats were made. I have reserved for you the best seat where EVERYONE can see you!
What duo were famous for stealing horses? Bonnie and Clydesdale!
A punk walked into a barber's shop and sat in an empty chair. " Haircut, sir? " asked the barber. " No, just change the oil, please! "
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. " Good heavens, " he said, " what is this? " " Why, it's bean soup, " she replied. " I don't care what it has been, " he sputtered. " What is it now? "
I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It's fun to call him… " Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! " He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, " Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. " He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, " What is your occupation? " The woman replies, " I'm a whore. " The accountant balks and says, " No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that. " The woman, " OK, I'm a prostitute. ". " No, that is still too crude. Try again. " They both think for a minute, then the woman states, " I'm a chicken farmer. " The accountant asks, " What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute? ". " Well, I raised over 5, 000 cocks last year. "
While participating is the Olympics a young gymnast had her first sexual experience, going to bed with a stunning foreign participant. Upon returning to her hometown, she promptly went to confession. After receiving absolution, the gymnast was so delighted that she did cartwheels down the aisle to the door. Waiting her turn, Old Mrs. Ole said to her friend, " can you believe what Father Johnson is giving for penance? Of all the days for me not to be wearing panties. "
A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed. The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. " I'm sorry to bother you, " he said, over the din of the banging, " but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing? " Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, " Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six- ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle".
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from hea d to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, " You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit! " The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After...
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half- an- hour, this big trouble- making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying. " " No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. " When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. " I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison…"
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. " What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk. " I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. " " So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk. " Well, " the drunk replied. " MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray " God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. " God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue. " My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order??? ". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: " JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"
two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation. the bald guy says he cant afford it. so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares. (hairs)
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. " Where did you get that ring? " her husband asks. " Well, she replies, " my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. " Where did you get that coat? " her husband asks. She replies " My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. " Where did you get that car? " her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. " And this? " she asks her husband. " Well, " he replies, " we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?! "
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. " Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed… " Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed… " Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order… " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: " Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket! "