Who won the race between two balls of string? They we're tied!
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. " Your holiness, " said one of the Cardinals, " Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match. " The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. " Not to worry, " said the Cardinal, " we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can't lose! " Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. " I came in second, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus. " Second?!! " exclaimed the surprised Pope. " You came in second to Shimon Peres?!! " " No, " said Nicklaus, " second to Rabbi Woods. "
Golfer: " Caddy, do you think my game is improving? " Caddy: " Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to. "
What did the bumble bee striker say? Hive scored!
Why did the goal post get angry? Because the bar was rattled!
Why are football players never asked for dinner? Because they're always dribbling!
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. " Bad day at the course? " his wife asked. " Everything was going fine, " he said. " Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee. " " Oh, that's awful! " " You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. "
Golfer: " Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting! " Caddy: " This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass! "
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? He was the skipper!
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football? Fiver side!
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi- pro baseball. " I was the James Bond type of player, " he told his friends. " I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition. " " Batted. 007, " his wife added.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, " It's not a ship. " The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, " It's not a boat. " The speck gets even closer and he thinks, " It's not a raft. " Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, " How long has it been since you've had a cigarette? " " Ten years! ", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, " Man, oh man! Is that good! " Then she asked, " How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? " He replies, " Ten years! " She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, " Wow, that's fantastic! " Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, " And how long has it been since you've had some real fun? " And...
Golfer: " Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? " Caddy: " The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week! "
What lights up a football stadium? A football match!
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms!
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence? A flat back four!
A true story, according to the LA Times….. Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, " Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy? " Wilkins replied, " I don't know and I don't care! "
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. " Is the word spelt p- u- t or p- u- t- t? ''she asked the instructor. " P- u- t- t is correct, ''he replied. " Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing. "
Golfer: " This golf is a funny game. " Caddy: " It's not supposed to be. "
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes!
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded? Bring on their subs!
Our team is doing so badly that " Manager of the Month" isn't an award. It's an appointment!
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch- down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors'favor, the home quarterback blew his top. How many times can you do this to us in a single game? " he screamed. " You were wrong on the out- of- bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter. " The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. " What it comes down to, " he bellowed, " is that you STINK! " The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, " And how do I smell from here? "
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. " Is that so? " the first said. " Did he do a good job? " " Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot, " he said. " The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That, " he added, " was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt. "
Golfer: " That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old. " Caddy: " It's a long time since we started, sir. "
What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding? They got jellygated!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50- yard line. Thinking to himself " what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, " Is this seat taken? " The man replied, " This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan. " The other man replied, " I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative? " The man replied, " They're all at the funeral. "
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, " Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago? " " Yes, " the golfer responded. " Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course? " " Yes, I did. How did you know? " he asked. " Well, " said the policeman very seriously, " Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it? " The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… " I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb. "
Golfer: " Do you think I can get there with a 5- iron? " Caddy: " Eventually. "
How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!
Ref: I'm sending you off Player: What for? Ref: The rest of the match!
What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts!
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand- picked boys. " Very well, " said the gatekeeper of Heaven. " But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches. " " I know, and that's all right, " Satan answered unperturbed. " We've got all the umpires. "