Mixed Jokes

Ugly person illness

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, " Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness? " " I'm sure I can. " the psychiatrist replied. " Just go over and lie face down on that couch. "

Medical terminology

Artery – – Study of paintingsBacteria – – Back door of cafeteriaBarium – – What doctors do when treatment failsBowel – – Letter like A. E. I. O. UCaesarean section – – District in RomeCat scan – – Searching for kittyCauterize – – Made eye contact with herColic – – Sheep dogComa – – A punctuation markCongenital – – FriendlyD& C – – Where Washington isDiarrhea – – Journal of daily eventsDilate – – To live longEnema – – Not a friendFester – – QuickerFibula – – A small lieG. I. Series – – Soldiers'ball gameGrippe – – SuitcaseHangnail – – CoathookImpotent – – Distinguished, well knownIntense pain – – Torture in a teepeeLabor pain – – Got hurt at workMedical staff – – Doctor's caneMorbid – – Higher offerNitrate – – Cheaper than day rateNode – – Was aware ofOutpatient – – Person who had faintedPelvis – – Cousin of ElvisPost operative – – Letter carrierProtein – – Favoring young peopleRectum – – It almost killed himRecovery room – – Place to do upholsteryRheumatic – – AmorousScar – – Rolled tobacco leafSecretion – – Hiding anythingSeizure – – Roman emperorSerology – – Study of knighthoodTablet – – Small tableTerminal illness – – Sickness at airportTibia – – Country in North AfricaTumor – – An extra pairUrine – – Opposite of you're outVaricose – – Located nearbyVein – – Conceited

A woman's dictionary

Argument (ar* gyou* ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er* hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar- be- que (bar* bi* q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, " made the dinner. " Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant* e* lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri* yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy* it so* da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M& Ms. Eternity (e* ter* ni* tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex* er* siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow* ser* ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres* er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See " Magician. " Hardware Store (hard* war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime...

Hick computer terms

Log On: Makin'the wood stove hotter. Log Off: Don't add no wood. Monitor: Keepin'an eye on the wood stove. Download: Gettin'the firewood off the pickup. Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'. Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin'too much firewood. Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood. Hard Drive: Getting'home in the winter season. Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter. Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below. Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season. Byte: That's what the flies do. Chip: What to munch on. Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag. Infrared: Where the left- overs go when Fred's around. Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields. Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife. Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy. Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys. Software: Them plastic eatin'utensils. Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain. Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof. Port: Fancy wine. Enter: C'mon in. Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha'paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Woman's instructions

THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man – unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type – you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander – its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, " Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him...

Guide for all women

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY. I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY. I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED. I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO. Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG? What meaningless self- inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. $ 50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. For $ 50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET'S TALK, HONEY. I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME? I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

The guide for all men

WOMEN S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI m sorry. = You ll be sorry. We need… = I wantIt s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ahead = I don t want you to. I m not upset = Of course I m upset, you moron! You re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains =…and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you re really not going to like. I ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Am I fat? = Tell me I m beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late,...

A man's translations

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…" IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: * " There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. " " CAN I HELP WITH DINNER? " Translated: * " Why isn't it already on the table? " " UH HUH, " " SURE, HONEY, " OR " YES, DEAR" Translated: * Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. " IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: * " I have no idea how it works. " " TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD. " Translated: * " I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. " " THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR. " Translated: * " Are you still talking? " " YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS. " Translated: * " I remember the theme song to 'F Troop, 'the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned… but I forgot your birthday. " " OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. " Translated: * " I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt. " " HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING. "...

Woman's translations

The wife says: You wantThe wife means: You wantThe wife says: We needThe wife means: I wantThe wife says: It's your decisionThe wife means: The correct decision should be obviousThe wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You'll pay for this laterThe wife says: We need to talkThe wife means: I need to complainThe wife says: Sure… go aheadThe wife means: I don't want you toThe wife says: I'n not upsetThe wife means: Of course I'm upset you moronThe wife says: You're… so manlyThe wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lotThe wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lightsThe wife means: I have flabby thighs. The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenientThe wife means: I want a new house. The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper! The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white. The wife says: Hang the picture thereThe wife means: No, I mean hang it there! The wife says: I heard a noiseThe wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep. The wife says: Do you love me? The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive. The wife says: How much do you love me? The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like. The wife says: I'll be ready in...

Mother's dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. Show off: A child who is more talented than yours. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket...

Evaluation comments

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no- one else....

Evaluating progress

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused. Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job. Active socially: Drinks heavily. Alert to company developments: An office gossip. Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job. Average: Not too bright. Bridge builder: Likes to compromise. Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law. Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own. Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. Conscientious and careful: Scared. Consults with co- workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless. Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying. Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well. Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice. Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear. Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well. Enjoys job: Needs more to do. Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone. Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee. Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date. Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together. Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward. Happy: Paid too much. Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way. Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot. Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors. Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all...

Miscellaneous terms

Arbitrator ar'- bi- tray- ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh- voy'- duh- buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney uh- lo'- nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette urn'- a- det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize ur'- gler- ize: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters kown- ter- fit- ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse e- klips': What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper i'- drop- ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes hee'- rhos: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank left'bangk': What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty mis'- tee: How golfers create divots. Paradox par'- uh- doks: Two physicians. Parasites par'- uh- sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist farm'- uh- sist: A helper on the farm. Polarize po'- lur- ize: What penguins see with.

The skier's dictionary

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U. S. mountain. An appropriate reply: " What Zermatter? " Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross- Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all- terrain snow- travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross- Country Something- Or- Other. Cross- Country Something- or- Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow- hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind- sculped drift. Exercises: A few simple warm- ups to make...

Drinking fault finder

A solution to all of your drinking troublesSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Loss of self- control. Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom: Bar blurred. Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Bar swaying. Fault: Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress. Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom: Bar moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain loudly that you are being hi- jacked. Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault: You have fallen over...