Lawyer Jokes

A convicted con man was recently…

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, " I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite. "

It seems that a devout, good…

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: " We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced? " " Are you kidding? " said St. Peter. " It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer! "

A guy walks into a post…

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle- aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing " Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says " I'm sending out 1, 000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who? '" " But why? " asks the man. " I'm a divorce lawyer, " the man replies.

Have you seen the current remake…

Have you seen the current remake of the movie " Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

An old man was critically ill….

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. " I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about? " " It's $ 50, 000, " the lawyer said. " But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer? " " That's my business! Get me the course! " Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, " please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died? " In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, " One less lawyer… "

Lawyer: "Now that you have been…

Lawyer: " Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car? " Client: " After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't. "

A man walks into a friend…

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, " What's happened to your car? " " Well, " the friend responses, " I ran into a lawyer". " OK, " says the man, " that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt? " " Well, I had to chase him all through the park. "

A tough case was being argued…

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred- year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. " The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead! " " I don't think so, " his attorney told him. " I sent it in the other lawyer's name! "

"You seem to have more than…

" You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background, " sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. " If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment, " replied the witness.

A doctor was vacationing at the…

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. " Darling, it was just a shark, " said his wife when he came to. " You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere. "

A person is in the hospital…

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, " When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way. "

A lawyer returns to his parked…

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. " Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. "