What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.
A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, " I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite. "
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds,……. not counting the urn!
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: " We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced? " " Are you kidding? " said St. Peter. " It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer! "
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle- aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing " Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says " I'm sending out 1, 000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who? '" " But why? " asks the man. " I'm a divorce lawyer, " the man replies.
Have you seen the current remake of the movie " Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?
Lawyer: " Let me give you my honest opinion. " Client: " No, no. I'm paying for professional advice. "
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. " I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about? " " It's $ 50, 000, " the lawyer said. " But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer? " " That's my business! Get me the course! " Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, " please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died? " In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, " One less lawyer… "
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Lawyer: " Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car? " Client: " After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't. "
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, " What's happened to your car? " " Well, " the friend responses, " I ran into a lawyer". " OK, " says the man, " that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt? " " Well, I had to chase him all through the park. "
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.
A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred- year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied. " The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead! " " I don't think so, " his attorney told him. " I sent it in the other lawyer's name! "
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf? Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.
" You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background, " sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. " If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment, " replied the witness.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. " Darling, it was just a shark, " said his wife when he came to. " You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere. "
A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, " When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way. "
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. " Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. "
If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.