Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. " Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. "

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then… Hey, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea.

Where is the best place to hide a lawyer? In a brief case.

The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, " Do any of you here today dislike lawyers? " they stiffened and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, " I do. "

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, " I only build coffins now. "

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, " Don't worry – we have plenty of those where I come from. " The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, " Don't worry – we have plenty of those where I come from. " Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, " Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer. " The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, " Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: " That's Strange! "

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. " Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them, " instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. " But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear, " she protested. " Then, " said the attorney, " just whisper them to the judge. "

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: " Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments? " " Really? " the other replied, " Why did you switch? " " Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. "

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. " Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $ 500, 000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way? " The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, " First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? " Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, " Um…no. " " – or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair? " The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, " – or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, " the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, " leaving her penniless with three children? " The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, " I had no idea…" On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: " – so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you? "

A persistent job- seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge. He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. " Sorry, " said the President, " but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes. "

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk- driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4: 30 p. m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury- room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury- room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, " Well have the y got a verdict yet? " The bailiff shook his head and said, " Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position! "

Why don't lawyers play hide- and- seek? Nobody will look for them.

" Excuse me, " a young fellow said to an older librarian, " I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers. " " Well, " replied the librarian, " I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet. "

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, " lawyer" is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is " dog. " The second is " snake. " And under snake, the encyclopedia says " See Lawyer. "

" How can I ever thank you? " gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles. " My dear woman, " lawyer replied, " Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question. "

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, " I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite. "

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.

What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds,……. not counting the urn!

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: " We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced? " " Are you kidding? " said St. Peter. " It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer! "

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.