Car and train jokes

What is an autobiography? The life story of an automobile.

Police Officer: Why were you speeding? Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.

Policeman: Why are you driving that car in circles? Driver: I was just going for a little spin.

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin'mate!

A tiny racing car was developed by American scientists. The Americans then sent the car over to Japan to see what the Japanese could do to better the car. The Japanese added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than sent it to the U. K. The British scientists, to better the car, added a sound system and window tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese, who added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car. The Chinese then sent it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at the tiny car, appreciated all the modifications the other countries had made, turned it over and stamped a sign on it…. MADE IN INDIA!!!

What is the best thing to take when you're run over? The number of the car that hit you.

What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles? A car- toonist!

What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.

Policeman: Are you going to a fire? Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said would happen if I were late again.

Policeman: Why are you driving without a license? Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six – One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone deaf! '

If an electric train travels 90 miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the north, in which direction is the smoke blowing? There is no smoke from an electric train!

What do you call a group of cars? A clutch!

Learner driver: What happens when everything's coming your way? Instructor: You're in the wrong lane.

Policeman: Did you realize you just missed that bus with your car? Motorist: Did you want me to hit it?

Policeman: Why did you crash into that stop sign? Motorist: I was only following orders.

" Where's the car? " asked Professor Delbert's wife when he got home. " Did I take it out? " " Yes, you drove it to school this morning. " " I suppose you're right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd gone. "

A monster goes to a petrol station and says: Fill me up The man at the petrol station replies: You have to have a car for me to do that!. The monster replies: But I had a car for lunch!

What driver doesn't have a license? A screw driver.

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha

" Take the wheel, Harry! " said the nervous lady driver. " There's a tree coming straight for us! "

Policeman: Didn't you hear me whistle at you? Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.

Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high- speed chase? Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow one.

McAfee and Bracket were driving home after a big party. " Hey, " said McAfee, " be sure to watch out for that bridge that's coming down the road toward us. " " What are you telling me to 'watch out'for? " asked Brackett. " You're the one who's driving! "

Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend? They were both driving their cars at the time!

What kind of ears do trains have? Engineers (engine ears).

Q) What's worse than raining buckets? A) Hailing taxis!

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. " How did you manage to do that? " he fumed. " Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left! "

Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren? Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.

Policeman: Why did you stop your car, get out, and yell " coward" at the traffic signal? Motorist: The light just turned yellow.

A San Francisco motorist following a taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him when it stopped suddenly. " Why didn't you let me know you were going to stop? " he yelled into the mist. " Why should I? " came a voice out of the fog. " I'm in my own garage! "

Who drives away all his customers? A taxi driver.

Who drives away all of his customers? A taxicab driver.

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together? Carpet!