What should a teacher take if he's run down? The number of the car that hit him.
Car and train jokes
Which snakes are found on cars? Windscreen vipers.
Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, – Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? – – Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long. –
What song does a car radio play? A cartoon (car, tune).
What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold? An extra muffler.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
What sort of a car has your dad got? I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really – Ours only starts with gas.
Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust- free, but underneath it's covered with rust Dealer: Yes, sir. The car is rust- free. We didn't charge you for it, did we?
Policeman: What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour? Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.
A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. " Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America? " comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies. " I don't know". The other trucker says " You and your brother ". Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him " Its just a joke – tell it to the next truck you see. " Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck. he gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck do you know who the two biggest poofs in the world are? " The other trucker says " I don't know who? " The roadway driver replies " Me and my brother"
Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.
Why did the man put his car in the oven? Because he wanted a hot rod.
Q. What has one horn and gives milk? A A milk truck.
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. " They shouldn't put up such misleading notices, " said the man. " It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE. "
Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle.
Policeman: What do you think you're doing parking your car there? Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says " Safety Zone. "
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.
A man was fed up of having his car broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he would remove it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there is no point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new note where his had left his, saying just checking.!
What did the jack say to the car? " Can I give you a lift? "
What do you call a pretend railway? A play station!
Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A: A LOCOmotive.
On Fred's 17th birthday, his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car, the father said, " Just one thing, Fred. If you're going to hit anything, make sure it's cheap. "
Police Officer: Why are you driving in a bathing suit? Motorist: I'm in a car pool.
Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk? Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on " America's Most Wanted. "
Personally, I like to stay and read the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to black and people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: " Quick! There are only enough cars in the parking lot for half of us! "
What part of a car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.
What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train? A laplander!
What is an autobiography? The life story of an automobile.
Police Officer: Why were you speeding? Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.
Policeman: Why are you driving that car in circles? Driver: I was just going for a little spin.
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin'mate!