Travel

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with " I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. " Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, " Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. " Her response… click.

" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, " Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock. " Steve says, " Will that keep me from getting sick? " The doctor says, " No, but it'll look real pretty in the water. "

A police officer was amazed to see a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read " To Seattle. " " What are you doing with that? " asked the police officer. " I'm walking to Seattle, " said the hiker, " and I don't want to lose my way. "

How can you tell elephants love to travel? They are always packing their trunk!

The frightened tourist: " Are there any bats in this cave? " The guide: " There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them. "

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $ 3000. " How's this? We've only been here one night! " the man was annoyed. " So? ", said the manager, " this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up. " " But we didn't use any of these! " explained the couple. " If you didn't use – that's your problem, " came the reply. " In that case, you owe me $ 2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $ 5000 a night, so please settle your bill, " said the man. " What do you mean? " the manager was taken off guard, " I didn't sleep with your wife! " " If yo u didn't use – that's your problem! "

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, " What is that you just served? " The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! " The American, though momentarily daunted, said, " What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order! " The waiter replied, " I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy! " The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, " These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday! " The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, " Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins. "

Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street? Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse people.

Well- known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M& M.

The tourist: " Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites? "

" And will there be anything else, sir? " the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. " No thank you, " the gentleman replied. " That will be all. " As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. " Anything for your wife? " he asked. " Yeah! That's a good idea, " the fellow said. " Please bring up a postcard. "

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: " Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, " Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet? " No Morris! " she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, " Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge? " " Oy no, I forgot to send the check!! " Now Morris laughs. " One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month? " " Oy Morris I forgot that one too! " Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, " So what are you smiling and laughing about? Morris responds, " They'll find us. "

Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.

What is a twip? A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.

Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed tourist whined, " Why did they build the castle so close to the airport? "

A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, " Water…". A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, " I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie? " With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear. " You fool, " gasped the man. " I'm dying! I need water! " " Well, sir, " replied the bedouin, " If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some. " Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed. Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, " May I help you sir? " " Water…" was the feeble reply. " Oh, sir, " replied the bedouin, " I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie! "

An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: " How large is the population here? " " Around 1. 5 billion" – – the guide answers American, After a short pause: " So, what else do you do here? "

Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town? Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.

A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge. After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well. " That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, " My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroa d tie! "

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between them. " How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket? " asks one of the Aussies. " Watch and learn, " answers one of the New Zealanders. They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, " Ticket please. " The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the New Zealanders on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at all!! " How are you going to travel without a ticket? " says one perplexed Aussie. " Watch and learn, " answers a...

What people travel the most? Romans.

Police Officer: Why did you lead me on a five- state chase? Driver: I love to travel.

" Were you in Paris on your vacation? " " I don't know, my wife got the tickets. "

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: " Look, it's not the same hat" " Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" " Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? " The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: " OK, I give up. Where's the boat? "

What does a witch get if she's a poor traveler? Broom sick.

Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.

Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group of natives. " Greetings! How is it going? " says the visiting anthropologist. " Wonderful! " says the other, " I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch! " He points at a palm tree and says, " what is that? " The natives, in unison, say " Umbalo- gong! " He then points at a rock and says, " and that? " The natives again intone " Umbalo- gong! " " You see! ", says the beaming anthropologist, " They use the SAME word for 'rock'and for 'palm tree'! " " That is truly amazing! " says the astonished visiting anthropologist, " On the other island, the same word means 'ind ex finger'! "

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. " Good luck will be followin'ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone, " the guide said. " Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow. " " We can't be here tomorrow, " the nasty woman shouted. " We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone. " " Well now, " the guide said, " it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune. " " And I suppose you've kissed the stone, " the woman scoffed. " No, ma'am, " the frustrated guide said, " but I've sat on it. "

What steps should you take if you see a dangerous animal on your travels? Very large ones.

Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: " Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic. " To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. " Also, " he said further, " be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings. " One tourist asked, " How do you identify bear droppings? " " Oh that's easy, " the guide explained, " its the ones with all the tiny bells in them! "

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, " Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been? " Father looks at her and says, " Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis. " The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, " Take me to my hotel and step on it. " The cabby turns and says, " Sure thing sir – Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you! " " Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive! " So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check- in counter. " Oh my God! Oh...

Mrs Jones: Now, remember, children, travel is very good for you. It broadens the mind. Betty, muttering: If you're anything to go by, that's not all it broadens!

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. " Not very long, " answered the Mexican. " But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more? " asked the tourist. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The tourist asked, " So what do you do with the rest of your time? " " I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, spend time with my wife… In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, chase the senioras, and sing a few songs. I have a full life. " The tourist said, " I have a M. B. A. from Stanford and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your...