Food Jokes

What are the four food groups? For bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled. For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley and Yeast. For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.

What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster? You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.

Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again? That's funny, Mom. I can't remember either.

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales. " The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, " Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son. "

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? " He's a real fun guy [fungi]. "

Knock Knock Who's there! Beef! Beef who? Beef fair now!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A. He was feeling crummy!

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig? 'Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to? '

Why did the biscuit cry? Because its mother had been a wafer so long.

What do you call two rows of cabbages? A dual cabbageway!

Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin? No more, mom. It's empty.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. " Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area. " " Heck, Gloria, " the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, " we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low- fat diets! "

Knock Knock Who's there! Butter! Butter who? Butter wrap up – it's cold out here!

" May I take your order? " the waiter asked. " Yes, how do you prepare your chickens? " " Nothing special sir, " he replied. " We just tell them straight out that they're going to die. "

Have you got any broken biscuits? Yes, I have. Well, you shouldn't be so clumsy!

Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch Doll? Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!

What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You can't dip a vampire in your tea.

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, " Ketchup! "

WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A. Finding half a worm.

What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down? Crumbs!

My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt!

Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!

What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? " Hey, what's eating you? "

WIFE: " You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert? " HUSBAND: " No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home. "

What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook? 100 way to wok your dog.

Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory? Because he went crackers.

What's the fastest cake in the world? Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.

How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. 'Would you like a cherry on the top? 'asked the waitress. 'No, thanks, 'said the girl, 'I'm on a diet! '

Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread. Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.

Flo: Try some of my sponge cake. Joe: It's a bit tough. Flo: That's strange. I only bought the sponge from the chemist this morning.

At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy's ear. " There! " he said proudly. " I bet your Mum can't produce eggs without hens, can she? " " Oh yes, she can, " said the boy. " She keeps ducks. "