Face jokes

Why is your face all scratched? My girlfriend said it with flowers. How romantic. Not really, she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses!

Two boys were watching TV when the fabulous face and figure of Pamela Anderson appeared on the screen. " if I ever stop hating girls, " said one to the other, " I think I'll stop hating her first. "

Why did the pig have ink all over his face? Because it came out of the pen.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I don't know where you got your face from, but i hope you have the receipt.

Did you hear about the witch who was so ugly that when a tear rolls down her cheek it takes one look at her face and rolls straight up again?

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face- first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died. " Congregation, " the priest said before the assembled masses. " Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell. "

Fred: Your sister uses too much make- up. Harry: Do you think so? Fred: Yes. It's so thick that if you tell her a joke, five minutes after she's stopped laughing her face is still smiling!

Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!

Wife to Husband: I'll have you know I've got the face of a teenager! Husband to Wife: Then you should give it back, you're wearing it out.

" Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true? " " No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face. "

Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling ugly faces. Doctor: Don't worry, I don't expect anyone will notice.

Teacher: What a glum face, what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours? Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!

Fred: Do you like my new hairstyle? Harry: In as much as it covers most of your face, yes.

Witch: Doctor, I can't help pulling ugly faces. Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that. Witch: It is when the people with ugly faces don't like them being pulled.

You can read his mind in his face. Yes, it's usually a complete blank.

A little boy came running into the kitchen. " Dad, dad, " he said, " there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face. " " Tell him you've already got one, " said his father.

First Witch: I like your toad. He always has such a nice expression on his face. Second Witch: It's because he's a hoptimist.

Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes? it's green and wrinkly.

How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face? I forgot to wet the soap.

Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.

Boy monster: You've got a face like a million dollars! Girl monster: Have I really? Boy monster: Yes – it's green and wrinkly!

A woman just back from Arizona was telling her friends about the trip. " When my husband first saw the Grand Canyon, his face dropped a mile, " she said. " Why, was he disappointed with the view? " " No, he fell over the edge. "

My teacher's got a pretty face if you can read between the lines.

Counselor: Wash your face. I can see what you had for breakfast. Henry: If you're so smart, what did I have? Counselor: Eggs. Henry: Wrong. I had eggs yesterday!

What is the hottest part of a man's face? His sideburns.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter (centre).

Fred: You've got a Roman nose. Harry: Like Julius Caesar? Fred: No, it's roamin'all over your face.

What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face? A mousetache.

Louise was watching her big sister covering her face with cream. " What's that for? " she asked. " To make me beautiful, " came the reply. Louise then watched in silence as she wiped her face clean. " Doesn't work, does it? " was her comment.

Fred: You have the face of a saint. Jill: Really? Which one? Fred: A Saint Bernard.