Hunting jokes

Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting. Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How come? The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.

What is the best way to hunt bear? With your clothes off

A small village was troubled by a man- eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood- curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. " What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? " asked the chief. " Forget the damn lion! " he howled. " Which one of you idiots let the bull loose? "

What do you get if you cross a telephone with a hunting dog? A golden receiver!

Two men were out hunting when one of them saw a rabbit. " Quick, " said the first, " shoot it. " " I can't, " said the second. " My gun isn't loaded. " " Well, " said the first, " you know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesn't. "

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Commissioned by a zoo to bring them some baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel scheme to trap them – his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a particularly vicious and bad tempered dog. Once in the jungle he explained to his assistant, " I'll climb this tree and shake the branches; if there are any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground – and the dogs will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them up quite safely and put them in the sack. " " But what do I need the gun for? " asked the assisant. " If I should fall out of the tree by mistake, shoot the dog. "

The Wednesday- night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, " I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer. " One hunter groaned, " Well, it worked. They're all safe. "

The big game hunter was showing his friends his hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on the floor he said, " I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn't want to kill such a magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or me. " " Well, " said a guest, " he certainly makes a much better rug than you would! "

What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money? Collect unemployment insurance!

What's a big game hunter? Someone who's lost his way to the match.

Did you hear about the bear hunter? Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began to speak to him! " Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter, " said the bear. Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then replied, " I want a fur coat. "

Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend. After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor. Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked, " Please, Doc. How's my friend? " " Well, " answered the M. D., " he'd be a lot better off if you hadn't taken out his gut! "

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first redneck says to the other, " If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you. " After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do. The redneck answers, " Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows. "

A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was telling her, Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him!

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool- proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, " Okay, lets get out and get him. " After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, " The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!? " The guy in the front says, " Well, I don't know how about you but I'm going to start nibbling grass. "

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, " Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? " " I sure did, " responded the pessimist. " He can't swim. "

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? 'Let us prey. '

A group of hunters fully equipped with rifles, ammo and camping supplies, came upon a young boy armed only with a slingshot. " What are you hunting for? " asked an older hunter. " I don't know. I ain't seen it yet, " said the boy.

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, " Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself. " The reporter said, " Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same. " The old explorer said, " No, not then – just now when I went 'ROARRRR! '"

A big- game hunter came across a dinosaur in the middle of the jungle and stared at it surprise. " You're extinct, " he said. The dinosaur was hard of hearing. " What was that you said? " The hunter shouted at the top of his voice. " You are extinct. " The dinosaur looked a little nonplused. " So would you if you'd been dead for six milion years. "

A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting, and an emormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly. The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc. Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that's closest to them. " No, not that one, " shouts the surviving hunter, " That's the female. " " The Czech is in the male. "

What is the best way to hunt bear? With your clothes off.

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot. 'Don't waste your time, 'Pat hollered. 'The rifle is not loaded. ''I can't wait, 'Mike shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load! '

Dick and Bob were on a hunting trip. At nightfall, Dick complained, 'We've been hunting all day. We've shot at five deer – and not hit one! ''OK. Let's miss two more and then head back to camp, 'said Bob.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? " Quack! Quack! Quack! "

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks. " What do you think the problem is? " one man asked his companion. " I dunno, " came the reply, " Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough. "

A big- game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother- in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother- in- law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, " What are we going to do? " " Nothing, " said the hunter husband. " The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it. "

Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read " BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. " Where's George? " one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone. " He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him. "

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, " Did you see that? " " No, " the second guy says. " Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead, " the first guy says. " Oh, " says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, " Did you see that? " " See what? " the second guy asks. " Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there. " " Oh. " A few minutes later the first guy says: " Did you see that? " By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, " Yes, I did! " And the first guy says: " Then why did you step in it? "

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, " The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind. " They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, " Do you know where we are? " " I think so, " replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year! "

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, " when did you bag him? " The host said, " that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife. " " What's he stuffed with, " asked the visiting hunter. " My wife. "

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, " You skin this one while I go and get another! "