Miscellaneous

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall? " Dam. "

There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap. They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went: Police Officer # 1: " What's your name? " Shutup: " Shutup. " Police Officer # 2: " Where's your manners? " Shutup: Back there picking up Crap! "

Whats the difference between Bill Clinton & J. F. K? One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine & the other got assasinated.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out " GREEN SIDE UP! " In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled " GREEN SIDE UP! " The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled " GREEN SIDE UP! " The lady then asked him, " Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'? " " I'm sorry, " came the reply. " But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. "

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white- out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white- out. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead! Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)? A: " 'Debbie'…that's cute. What did you name the other one? " Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to...

A woman feared that her husband was losing interest in her sexually. She went out and bought some very sexy lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. She posed herself in bed and awaited his arrival. When he came into the bedroom, she threw the sheets back, spread her legs, and said, " Welcome home honey. Do you want some of this? " With a horrified look on his face, the husband replied, " Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear! "

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. " Are you crazy" yelled the customer, " sticking your thumb in my steak?! " " What" answers the waiter, " You want it to fall on the floor again? "

The vice- president of a local company had quite a problem. He was toldby his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8: 55 Mary walks into the office. " I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, " I either have to Lay You or Jack off. " " Oh? jack- off, " Mary says, " I've got a headache. "

– How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons? – I don't know…Why? – Because blonde boys are stupid as well!

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump'and go to his hotel room to " Ya know, get to, like, know each other better. " She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, " I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation. " He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, " Huh? I don't get it! " " Exactly! " she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, " You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. " So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, " I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel. " Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, " How could sandals make you into a sex freak? " The Pakistani man replied, " Just try them on. " Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years- – – raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, " YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! "

Q…. OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first? A…. The brunette, because the other two don't exist!

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, " Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you, " at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. " Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise, " said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump. " Hmmmmm, " she said softly, " that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do! "

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender…Brunette: " I'll have a B and C. " Bartender: " What is a B and C? ". Brunette: " Bourbon and Coke. " Redhead: " And, I'll have a G and T. " Bartender: " What's a G and T? " Redhead: " Gin and tonic. " Blonde: " I'll have a15. " Bartender: " What's a 15? " Blonde: " 7 and 7"

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN- body experience! Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: When they're on their backs, they're screwed. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under...

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, " Are you ready to order? " Clinton replies, " Yes, I'd like aquickie! " " A quickie?!? " the waitress replies. " Sir, given the pastsituation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu! " She walksaway. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, " It's pronounced Quiche. "

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. Thefather goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays inthe water. He comes running up to his mom and says, " Mommy, I sawladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours! " The mom says " the bigger they are, the dumber they are. " So he goesback to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, " Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's! " Mom says, " the bigger they are, the dumber they are. " So he goesback to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, " Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw andthe more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got! "

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, " Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! " He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting " Thirteen! " over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far. His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, " Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! "

Two friends in a Bar: JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex? JOE: Er…, when I clean myself off with the curtains.

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

How do crazy people get through the forest? They take the psycho path.

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew. Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer. " There, " he said. " Maybe he'll cool off in there. " For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, " If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary. " Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke. " If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did? "

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, " You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble. " The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads: I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5, 000 dollars in non- sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12: 00 tonight, or else. She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads: Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

231. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. 232. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man. 233. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, " I'm going to try to swim to shore. " So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, " I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve. " So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she...

Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter. " Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows XP. I'm going to do something I've never done before… I'm going to let you decide where you want to go. " " So what's the difference between the two? " Bill asked. St. Peter said, " I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision. " " Fine! Where should I go first? " " You decide. " " Okay then, " said Bill, " Let's try Hell first. " So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini- clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. " This is great! " he told St. Peter. " If this is Hell, I'd REALLY like to see Heaven! " " Fine, " said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,...

Business Rules to Live ByIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under " miscellaneous. " Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do...

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster. The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. " So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. " I've got to do something about this". He walks up to the new bird and says, " So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself". The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. " You're on" said the young rooster. " And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy, " said the young rooster. The two roosters went to the hen house to start the...

Why did the Packers tear up the end zone after a Vikings Game? There was too much " Moss" in it!

What is Black and White, and Red all over? Answer: A Skunk with a diaper rash.

TOP TEN things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day: 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get a blow job. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. 1. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis…REPEAT NUMBER 'NINE'.

Q: What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby? A: Ask your parents.

My wife's gone to the West Indies. J'ya make'er? No, Barbados.

There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble. Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it. Officer: What's your name? Shut Up: Shut Up. Officer: What's your name? Shut Up: Shut Up. Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?! Shut Up: Shut Up! Officer: Are you looking for Trouble? Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back. Officer: Where's your Manners? Shut Up: Back there pickin'up Poop.

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do…222. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on here. 223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said " DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself " oh well! " and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said " CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. 224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. 225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, " Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, " Where? " 226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, " Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!! " Or: " Good thing that cows don't fly. " 227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong...

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream. Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it. Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth. Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I'll get a clear shot at the bear. Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take...