Funny Jokes

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says " You can't bring that dog in here! " The guy, without missing a beat, says " This is my seeing- eye dog. " " Oh man, " the bartender says, " I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me. " The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says " You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing- eye dog. " The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says " Hey, you can't bring that dog in here! " The second man replies " This is my seeing- eye dog. " The bartender says, " No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing- eye dogs. " The man pauses for a half- second and replies " What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!? "

Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic? A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.

Q: Why don't elephants use cellular phones? A: So the rest of the world won't know their plans.

Q: Does an elephant ever forget? A: Only if you loan him money.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says " I will grant each of you three wishes. " The bear says " I wish all the bears in the forest were females. " * poof* It's done. The rabbit says " I wish for a motorcycle. " * poof* It's done. The bear says " I wish all the bears in this country were females. " * poof* It's done. The rabbit says " I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house. " * poof* It's done. The bear is thinking to himself " why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well. " " And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female. " * poof* It's done. The rabbit says " For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay. " And he rides off on his motorcycle.

This horse walks in to a bar and asks for a bit to eat!

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, " Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them? "

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. " Shit! " says the ant. " One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave! "

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him " Rover" or " Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, " I would like to have one too! " Then I said, " But she is a dog! " He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, " You don't understand…. I have had Sex since I was nine years old. " He replied, " You must have been quite a strong boy. " When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, " But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex. " He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. " OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. " Now, do you see that tree over there? " he asked. " Yes, Yes, Yes! " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. " Good" said the bat, " Because I sure as hell didn't! "

These 2 hunters was hunting one day and this one hunter fainted. The other hunter didn't know what to do, so he called 911. When the person answered the hunter told them that his partner was dead. The person on the other end said calm down and make sure your partner was dead and all of a sudden the person heard a gun shot and the hunter came back on the line and said ok he's dead for sure.