Police Jokes

My horoscope read, " You're going places and you can't be stopped. " Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.

How many cops does it take to change light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him. Only one, but he has to see an officer do it first. Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say " Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along. "

" Now as I understand it, Sir, " said the police officer to the motorist, " you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened? " " I'm afraid not, officer, " replied the motorist. " I had my eyes shut! "

Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop. " What's the matter?! " she asked. " Where's the body?! " demanded the officer. " What are you talking about? " " We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being murdered in this house. "

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. " What are those knives doing in your car? " asked the officer. " I juggle them in my act. " " Oh yeah? " says the cop. " Let's see you do it. " So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, " Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now! "

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, " Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket? " " Ever go a fishin'? " the policeman suddenly asked the man. " Ummm, yeah…" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, " Did you ever catch 'em all? "

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. " Exactly where were you at the time of the accident? " inquired the officer. " Mister, " exclaimed the telephone lineman, " I was at the top of the pole! "

Polceman: " I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night. " Man: " What's the charge? " Polceman: " Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.

One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police. " Well? " he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly read the print out and entered the information in the arrest record. " Disappointing to say the least, " the Sergeant replied. " Chateau Duvalier… 1962… rather thin… not aged well at all. "

Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have this accident? Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, `Stop? Look? Listen'. And while I was doing that the train hit me.

Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes? The first knows how to read, the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says " Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses. " The woman answered " Well, I have contacts. " The policeman replied " I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket! "

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, " Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? " " That it is, " Irish Mike replied grimly, " ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball. " " You mean you pinched his honor? " asked Pat. " How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? " demanded Mike. " Well, " mused Pat, " there's a lesson in this somewhere. " " That there is, " replied Irish Mike…. " 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover. "

The Judge said to the defendant. " I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again. " " Your Honor, " the criminal said, " that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen. "

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride. After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection. The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes. " Mister, " the patrolman said to the driver, " I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck. '"

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next- door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, " He is 35 years old, 6- foot 4- inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft- spoken, and is good to the children. " The next- door neighbor protested, " Your husband is 5- foot 8- inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. " The wife replied, " Yes, but who wants HIM back? "

A police officer, though scheduled for all- night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, " Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all- night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache. " " Certainly, honey, " he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, " Say, " said the druggist, " I know you – aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right? " " Yeah, so? " said the officer. " Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief? "

The police are looking for a thief with one eye Why don't they use two?

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: " Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine? ". Man: " I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: " Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: " I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death". Officer: " Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line". Man: " Can't do that either". Officer: " Why not? ". Man: " Because I'm dead drunk".

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, " It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go. " The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, " My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back! "

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference? '. The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down? '

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads " low bridge ahead. " Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, " Got stuck, huh? " The truck driver says, " No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas. "

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. " Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood! " " Thank you very much for the call, sir. " The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come? " " Yep. " " Did they chop your firewood? " " Yep. " " Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed. "

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: " Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway – – why are you going so slow? " Sister: " Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65. " Cop: " Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible. Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

A police officer stopped a young man for speeding. He stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. " What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy. " The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, " Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat? " The young man replied, " Well sir, I'm a juggler. " The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, " A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail! " The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, " You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you. " The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint. Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right...

Police officer: And what do you think you are doing on this road, Dracula? Dracula: Looking for the main artery, officer.

Lady: (standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital? Officer: Just stand where you are!!!

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, " Let's get off the corner people. " A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, " Let's get off that corner… NOW! " Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, " Well, how did I do? " Pretty good, " chuckled the vet, " especially since this is a bus stop. "

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, " The 10 Most Wanted. " One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. " Yes, " said the policeman, " the detectives want him very badly. " So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, " Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures? "

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $ 40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $ 40. The police responded with another mailed photo – – of handcuffs.

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I- 20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, " Hey, sarge, why did you stop? " The sarge replied, " He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him. "

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

A police man was on duty one night and he headed up to " Make out Mountain" to try to catch some couples in the act. When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a couple sat, and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl next to him was knitting. He tapped on the window and said he was with the police department then asked how old he was and the guy said, " I'm 22 sir. " " Well how old is she? " the officer then asked. Looking at his watch the guy replied, " She'll be 18 in about 6 minutes. "

What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest.