Police Jokes

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. " Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called " Happy Hour" and they served these mar- gar- itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O'course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later.. " And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, " Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test. " Indignantly, the man said, " Why? Don't ye believe me?! "

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, " Is there a problem, Officer? " " No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $ 5, 000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money? " John thought for a minute and said, " Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers'license. " Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, " Oh, don't pay attention to him – – he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned. " Brian from the back seat said, " I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car! " At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, " Are we over the border yet? "

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. " I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? " Stated the counsel for the insurance company. " Yes, that's right, " replied the farmer, nodding his head. " You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life. 'Is that the case? " " Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. " A simple yes or not will suffice, " counsel interrupted quickly. " Yes, " Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. " Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health, " his lawyer said. " Certainly, " replied the farmer. " After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. " Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling....

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The " disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, " I'll bet that you're also an escape artist- probably better than Houdini. " The giant nodded. " If I had some chains, " the deputy continued, " you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them? " Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. " I can't get out of these, " the giant growled. " Are you sure? " the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. " Nope, " he replied. " I can't do it. " " In that case, " said the deputy, " you're under arrest. "

– Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spotted hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money? -??? – Stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't exist.

A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " The first cadet answers, " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye! " The seargent says, " Well…uh…that's because the picture I showed is his side profile. " Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " The second cadet smiles, and says, " Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! " The policeman angrily responds, " What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?! " Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " He quickly adds, " Think hard before giving me a stupid answer. " The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, " The suspect wears contact lenses. " The...

" I'll have to report you, sir, " said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. " You were doing 85 miles an hour. " " Nonsense, officer, " declared the driver. " I've only been in the car for ten minutes. "

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, " Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube. " The man says, " Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack. " " Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. " " I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death. " " Well, then we need a urine sample. " " I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar. " " Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. " " I can't do that, officer. " " Why not? " " Because I'm too drunk to do that! "

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, " I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia. " As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, " Well… OK… but don't let me catch you speeding again. "

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, " SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted " TIPS" and a bucket of change.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K- 9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K- 9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: " I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman! "

On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police car driving uphill backwards. – Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards? – Because we are not sure that we will find the place to make u- turn on the top of the mountain. After one hour the same man saw the same police car driving downhill backwards again. – But guys, why are you driving backwards again? – We have found the place to make u- turn up there.

A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go. They take off and the man says to his wife: – And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!

How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow- worm? He has a flashing light.

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. " Name? " " Brendan O'Connor. " " Same as mine. Where are you from? " " County Cork. " " Same as me……" The policeman paused with his pen in the air. " Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab. "

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. " I'm sorry sir, " the first trooper told the driver, " but I am still going to have to write you a ticket. " Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, " Tacks evasion. "

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, " Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking? " The man gets really indignant and says, " Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts? "

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. " You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it. " " Oh yes dear, what happened? " " I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. " " Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them? " " Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off. "

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long- time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old- timer inquiringly. The old- timer says, " Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France. " The new man asked, " What happened? " " One day Riley reported his credit cards missing! "

Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, " Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat. " The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. " Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager. " Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, " All right buddy, what's your name? " " Sam, " the man moaned. " Where ya from, Sam? " With pain in his voice Sam replied "… the balcony. "

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me. 2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K- 9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth. 3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you. 4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K- 9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride. 5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk. 6. Good luck. On your mark, get set…. GO!!!!!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. " Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. " Watson replied, " I see millions and millions of stars. " " What does that tell you? " Watson pondered for a minute. " Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all- powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? " Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. " It tells me that someone has stolen our tent. "

The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers1. Glazed2. Jelly3. Powdered4. Chocolate Frosted

A defense attorney was cross- examining a police officer during a felony trial – – it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. " Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, " Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me! " Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, " Ma'am… that's your air freshener. "

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, " This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! " So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, " Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? " " Ma'am, " the officer replies, " You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. " " Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty- two miles an hour! " the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that " 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. " But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, " the...

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " The first blonde answers, " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye! " The policeman says, " Well…uh…that's because the picture shows his PROFILE. " Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, " Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! " The policeman angrily responds, " What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? " Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " He quickly adds "…think hard before giving me a stupid answer. " The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, " Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses. " The policeman is...

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, " STOP! Acts 2: 38! " (" Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven. " )As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, " Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse. " " Scripture? " replied the burglar. " She said she had an axe and two 38's! "

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one- wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. " When you and I get out of here, " the jailbird said to the fly. " we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune. " Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex- con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. " What about this fly, eh? " he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. " Glad you saw it, " muttered the bartender. " Blasted things are everywhere. "

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window. Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names. " Shut Up", replied Shut Up. " Stupid", replied Stupid. The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. " Excuse Me! " shouted the chief. Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names. " Shut Up! " " Stupid! " The police chief was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble? "!!! Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied, " Why yes, how did you know? "

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket – clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him. " So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin'or you just want to always be ready or what? " " Not scared…" Benny growled, " been doin'it dis way ever since me sister- in- law's weddin''bout ten ten years ago now". " Oh yeah?… so…? " " Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time – a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much… but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained. Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter. " And since dat time I gotta do it dis way". " But WHY?! ", Louie finally demanded? " Well, I was at...

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears- – a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high- powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. " He's in THAT one! " cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. " What did you do that...

The following supposedly a true story. This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said " Because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said " Why did you put up such a fight? " To which the man promptly replied " I was afraid that you would find the $ 200 hidden in my shoe! "

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. " They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator, " she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. " Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake. "